Submitted by Mark Huffstetter (Engineer, KING 5 TV Seattle). You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine] which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And this year's nominee is: The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Epilog: - --------- It has been calculated that this moron nearly reached Mach I, attaining a ground-speed of approximately 420 mph. ---------------------------------------------- 1) bummer; bad trip 2) the driver/pilot/crash-test-dummy may or may not have broken the sound barrier, but there's not doubt about the sane barrier. c) (with apologies to Click & Clack) I'd sleep a lot better tonight if I knew for certain that the d/p/ctd of the car had never, at any time, reproduced. ___________________________________________________________________________ RE: Funny Labor Joke Date: Wed, 02 Oct 1996 09:37:53 -0500 (EST) Here's a little story my friend sent me. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20% and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50% and finally 100%. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labour. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Pirate Joke A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and the pair begin trading sea-stories. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"? "Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." ----------------------------------------------------------------- AUSTIN, Texas -- OK, team, what are we going to do on Tuesday? VOTE! Yessss, friends, it's time once more to list the compelling reasons that send us scurrying to the polls no matter how we feel about the candidates or the campaign. With this handy compilation of dandy reasons to vote clutched in your grubby hand, you too will find yourself headed pollward on Tuesday in the full glow of civic virtue to Do Your Duty. Feel free to distribute it to any potential backsliders you know. Some readers of previous lists have had the nerve to question some assertions thereon. Therefore, this year I am providing full documentation. WHY YOU SHOULD VOTE: 1. Voting whitens your teeth, sweetens your breath and improves your sex life! (Attested to by numerous studies over the years, endorsed by the American Dental Association, the Listerine Co., Masters and Johnson, and Dr. Ruth.) 2. If you don't vote, you can't whine. (U.S. Constitution.) 3. If no one votes, they will run this campaign all over again. All over again. All over again. (Federal election law.) 4. Contrary to popular myth, voting does (SET ITAL) not (END ITAL) encourage politicians. O contraire, it scares the pants off them to know that there are people out here watching them. (See political memoirs.) 5. You can find foxy babes and stonewall studs as poll-watchers. In friskier precincts, back-room mixers have been known to lead to relationships. (Firsthand observation.) 6. This is your only chance to have more clout than the lobbyists, to outweigh corporate special interests, to stomp on the big money-givers. Politicians study election results because their lives depend on them, and (SET ITAL) they know whom they owe. (END ITAL) (See post-election news coverage.) 7. It's an unparalleled chance to get back at politicians who particularly annoy you. Can't stand Newt Gingrich? Loathe the pres? Dick Armey give you hives? Vote today and ruin their lives. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord, but you get yours at the polls. (Old Testament.) 8. Voting improves your chances of winning the lottery. (Statistical connection between bell curve and the theory of parallelograms.) 9. Exercising your franchise is the caloric equivalent of a two-hour aerobics workout; it tightens, tones, increases your serotonin level and instantly gives you thinner thighs. Why do you think they call it exercising the franchise? (U.S. Association of Exercise Instructors.) 10. Voting cures zits, overcomes male-pattern baldness and gives you higher mileage per gallon. (U.S. Association of Dermatologists and the American Automobile Association.) 11. Teens behave amicably and take out the trash without complaint for up to a week after a parent votes. (Voluminous but anecdotal evidence.) 12. Voting improves your career opportunities, overcomes the heartbreak of psoriasis and gives a kick akin to a very dry vodka martini. (National Association of Bartenders.) 13. Doing your duty as a citizen will send you forth from the polls with your head held high, a song in your heart and the bluebird of happiness perched upon your shoulder. (National Ornithological Society.) 14. There's always a chance that we could save the republic. (See past elections.) Now, let's review the basic rules of voting. Voting is not an exam. You do not have to study to vote. There are no points taken off if you do not complete your ballot. Unless you have a strong party preference, it is best not to vote in races in which you don't know the candidates. If you don't want to vote for or against anyone in a given race, you can skip right over it. Your vote still counts. It is best not to vote for candidates with cute nicknames (e.g., "Hurricane" or "Bull") or for candidates with names like Jesse James or Marilyn Monroe. They tend not to have much else going for them. (See past elections.) Under Reason No. 2, please note that Supreme Court decisions over the years have put a strict construction on this constitutional principle. "If you don't vote, you can't whine" includes griping, disputing, remonstrating, calling radio talk shows and moaning about things in general. In other words, the national pastime. In a still-controversial 1937 decision, the court found an additional mandate in the "penumbra" of Section XXII, Article 22, Subsection II (2), as follows: (SET ITAL) Those who do not vote are required to chirrup, "Why, I think everything is just ticketty-boo!" whenever the subject of Washington, the state capital or politics in general arises. (END ITAL) So, fellow citizens, vote early, vote often, and may God save the republic. Molly Ivins is a columnist for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram. Write to her at 71154,1271, and you must include Molly Ivins' name in your subject line. Molly Ivins welcomes readers' comments, but the volume of mail prevents her from answering each letter personally. If you would like a response, please include your telephone and/or fax number. COPYRIGHT 1996 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- COLLECTION OF LATEST LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE By: Jack Wardlaw, The Little Man Drum roll, please! It's time for the annual Tongue-Slipper Awards, for the best quips, busted metaphors, unintentional misstatements, dangling modifiers and Freudian slips of the just-completed Louisiana Legislative session. Such as when Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans, told the House: "I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun." For starters, here are the winners in the "Truth in Legislative" category: * "I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson. * "This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans. * "I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do." --Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge. * "Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego. * Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette: "The Knights of Peter Claver is a large Catholic organization." Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales: "I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong to it." * "I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." --Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville. The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet stockings. And there's the Senate staffer who asked Sen. Donald Hines, D-Bunkie (a medical doctor), whether he preferred being addressed as "doctor" or "senator." He responded: "I guess it depends on what kind of a problem you want me to solve." And finally, the Metaphor of the Year award goes to Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa, who - while describing how it is to run a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber - said: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it. You push the button and it pops out, or at least it used to before it broke off." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. -------- I don't recall who all I sent it to, but now comes along another in the same vein: >From an ex-field sales/support survivor: I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem. Service Rep: Sir, something has burnt within your power supply. Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the Autoexec.bat that will take care of this. Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem. Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the Config.sys. [After a few minutes of going round and round] Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your Autoexec.bat and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer. [Customer does this] Customer: It is still smoking. Service Rep: I guess you need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE. [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later] Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer? Customer: I call Microsoft and they said that my Power Supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost... MORAL: Remember those hidden DOS commands! --------------------------------------------------------------------- > An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. > > The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange... he's got > feather earrings, and he sees the old man staring at him. > > He says, "What's da matta, old mannn? Didn't you ever do anything wild > in your days?" > > The old man says, "Yeah. One time. I had sex with a parrot. I thought > maybe you were my kid". > > > ******** > > > After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year old geezer told his doctor > that they were expecting a baby. > > "Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow > went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly > a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot that > bear." > > "Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot > that bear". > > "Exactly," replied the doctor. > ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Newt Gingrich is on an airplane flying to Washington, D.C. The guy sitting next to him is immersed in a book and pays no attention to Newt. Toward the end of the flight Newt asks: Newt: What book is that you are reading? Man: It is called "Deductive Reasoning." Newt: Sounds interesting. What's it about? Man: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog? Newt: Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Man: I would deduce from this that you have a yard as well, no? Newt: Yes, I do have a yard. Man: Then I would further deduce that you have a house next to this yard? Newt: I do. Man: Then I'll bet that you have a family? Newt: Yes, a very nice family. Man: And you're a heterosexual, aren't you? Newt: You betcha! I'm beginning to see how this works. Later that week, Newt goes out and buys the book on deductive reasoning and is determined to read it cover to cover on his return flight. His plane takes off and he begins reading. Two hours later, the man sitting next to him notices how Newt is so engrossed in this book, and just can't keep himself from being impolite and interrupting. Man: Excuse me, sir, what's that you're reading? Newt: It's called "Deductive Reasoning." Man: Oh, then you must have learned how to use deductive reasoning, huh? Newt: Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I have. Let me show you how it works. Man: OK. Newt: Do you have a dog? Man: No. Newt: Well, then you must be a homosexual. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- COLLECTION OF LATEST LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE By: Jack Wardlaw, The Little Man Drum roll, please! It's time for the annual Tongue-Slipper Awards, for the best quips, busted metaphors, unintentional misstatements, dangling modifiers and Freudian slips of the just-completed Louisiana Legislative session. Such as when Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans, told the House: "I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun." For starters, here are the winners in the "Truth in Legislative" category: * "I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson. * "This amendment does more damage than it does harm." --Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans. * "I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do." --Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge. * "Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time." -- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego. * Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette: "The Knights of Peter Claver is a large Catholic organization." Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales: "I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong to it." * "I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks." --Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville. The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet stockings. And there's the Senate staffer who asked Sen. Donald Hines, D-Bunkie (a medical doctor), whether he preferred being addressed as "doctor" or "senator." He responded: "I guess it depends on what kind of a problem you want me to solve." And finally, the Metaphor of the Year award goes to Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa, who - while describing how it is to run a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber - said: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these two neighboring trees in the forest, one a Birch and the other a Beech. They were good buddies, and delighted in debating anything that came their way. One day the Beech looked down and saw a new sapling rising from the forest floor. He said, "Look there, my friend, that's a son of a Beech". The Birch looked down and said, "I believe you're wrong again old friend, that's a son of a Birch". Well this went on for quite some time: "Son of a Beech"; "No, Son of a Birch" and the sapling grew into a splendid little tree. One day the Birch spotted a woodpecker alighting on the small tree and said to his friend "I will finally settle this argument by asking the bird what kind of tree that is". He barked down to the woodpecker, "Say bird, my friend and I have been having an argument about what kind of tree that is. He says it's a Beech, and I say it's a Birch. Who is correct?" The bird replied "I'm afraid you're both wrong, that's the best piece of Ash I ever stuck my pecker in." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied. He was quiet for a second, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." =============================================================== The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forebade the killing of animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans. Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives. The terrified populace petitioned their leader to recind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, it was the first time in history that a reign was called on account of game. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Way out west ... A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we'll give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is your first wish?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the rump. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing." The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked brunette. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing." The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What do you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Bar humor An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Importance Of Correct Punctuation Excerpted from: Games Magazine, 1984 We examine two "Dear John" letters ... Version 1: Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours? Gloria Version 2: Dear John, I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Medical Procedures.... After having their 10th child, a West Virginia couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Maryland to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from West Virginia. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?" The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks. The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?" St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that? St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?" "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan." --------------------------------------------------------------------- A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie. "Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you." The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew." "It is done", says the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears. The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest." "It is done", says the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears. The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch." ----------------------------------------------------------------- YABJ (Yet another blond joke) Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!" The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,"352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. As she got back into her car, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?" *********************************************************************** A woman is fast approaching 40 years of age and is without a partner. This situation has her rather depressed due to her long history of failed relationships. After much debate she decides that the best thing to do is to take out a personal ad in the paper: Wanted: A good lover to be my friend; who won't beat me and won't run out on me. After a week or so no one has responded to the ad. She is feeling particularly depressed when the door bell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch. Quite surprised at the sight she asks him what he wants. He replies, "I'm responding to your ad for a good lover." "How can that be? You have no arms and no legs!" "I have no arms so I can't beat you and I have no legs so I can't run out on you!" he said. "What about being a good lover?" she asked. He responded, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?" ==================================== A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking: F: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing. S: What do you mean, Dad? F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?" S: What do other women say? F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit." S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over." F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally." S: And what does mother say? F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige." ********************************************************************* Subject: Indian Polish-Jokes > Sardarji proposes to a woman. She says yes if you bring me a pair > of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a > search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him > killing a huge one . He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and > angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!" > > > Sardarji calls Air India. > "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?" > "Just a sec," says the rep. > "Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up. > > > Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower > when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Sardarji > says "Yes". "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." > The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours > the Sardarji figured he was taken. On the next day the Sardarji is again > walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. > "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." > The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, > you wait and I'll go get a ladder." > > > Sardarji is buying a TV. > "Do you have color TVs?" > "Sure." > "Give me a green one, please." > > > Two dogs, Rubi and Moti, and a Sardarji were sent to the outer space. > The ground control issues commands > "Rubi!" > "Woof!" > "Press the red button." > "Woof! Woof!" > "Moti!" > "Woof!" > "Press the white button." > "Woof! Woof!" > "Sardarji!" > "Woof." > "Stop barking, feed the dogs and don't touch anything!" > > > Sardarji is sitting on a tree branch and sawing it. A passerby > warns him "Sardarji, you're gonna fall down!" > "Hardly," says he and falls. Then he looks after the passer-by > and mumbles "Must have been a wizard." > > > Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate > > "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese." > > "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?" > > "Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person > >>born on the > > Earth now is a Chinese." > > > > Two Sardarjis are in a railway station. > > "Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" asks the first. > > "No," answers the RR man. > > "Can I?" asks the second Sardarji. > > > > A passer by notices a Sardarji by the side of a lake, throwing > > bricks into the water. So he asks the Sardarji > > "Why are you throwing bricks in to the water?" > > The Sardarji takes a brick and again throws it into the water > > and says thoughtfully > > "See, I've been trying to solve the mystery: why are the bricks > >>rectangular > > and the waves circular?" ********************************************************************* Monkey business A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!," says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Now what?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" ********************************************************************* >>A little Microsoft humour . . . >> >> # 1 >> A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical >> malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and >> communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not >> determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. >> >> The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten >> sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE >>AM >> I?" in large letters. >> >> People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large >> sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A >> HELICOPTER." >> >> The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer >>to >> SEATLE airport, and landed safely. >> >> After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE >>IN >> A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. >> >> The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, >> similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct, but >>completely >> useless answer." >> >> >> # 2 >> >> Three engineers are riding in a car: an electrical engineer, a chemical >> engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car stalls and stops by >>the >> side of the road. The three engineers look at each other with bewilderment, >> >> wondering what could be wrong. >> >> The electrical engineer, not knowing much about mechanics, suggests: "Let's >> strip down the electronics of the car and try to trace where a fault might >>have >> occurred." >> >> The chemical engineer, not knowing much about electronics, suggests: "Maybe >>the >> fuel has become emulsified and is causing a blockage somewhere in the >>system." >> >> The Microsoft engineer suggests: "Why don't we close all the windows, get >>out, >> get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?" >> >> >> # 3 >> >> "One of Microsoft's tech support reps was drafted and sent to boot camp. At >>the >> rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired >> several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all >> attempts had completely missed the target. >> >> The Microsoft tech rep looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He >> looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger >>over >> the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. >> The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target >>area: >> "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!" ********************************************************************* >>TWENTY WORDS THAT SHOULD EXIST >> >> >> 1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive >> and refold a road map at the same time. >> >> >> 2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to >> turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. >> >> >> 3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of >> drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving >> the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting >> her(him)self in the eye (or ear). >> >> >> 4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any >> more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. >> >> >> 5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around >> picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when >> they know the phones are not connected. >> >> >> 6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when >> vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a >> dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then >> putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. >> >> >> 7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department >> store by asking, "Do you work here?" >> >> >> 8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy >> you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this >> will remove all the germs. >> >> >> 9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be >> seen in the rearview mirror. >> >> >> 10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front >> of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, >> follow suit. >> >> >> 11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people >> maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. >> >> >> 12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion >> that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. >> >> >> 13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be >> swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room >> until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. >> >> >> 14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling >> the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to >> resort to the illegal' side. >> >> >> 15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb >> struggling to come to life. >> >> >> 16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant >> whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they >> want ground pepper. >> >> >> 17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to >> undress in front of a household pet. >> >> >> 18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone >> number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. >> >> >> 19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after >> a dog presses its nose to it. >> >> >> 20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of >> always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, >> even when you're only six inches away. >> >> >> 21. PUPSQUEAK (pup'skweek) n. The little squeaking noise >> a dog makes when he/she yawns. *********************************************************************** Blond Joke A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of them tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. They lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.. The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that had '2-4 years,' written on the box, and we finished it in 51 days." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: A Trojan Horse of a Different Color The Party > >A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween/Masquerade party. The woman got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being the devoted husband, protested. But she urged him to go. She was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. There was no need to spoil his good time. So he took his costume and away he went. > > The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without the headache. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party too. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. > > She joined the party and soon saw her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry to devote his time to the new "stuff" that had just arrived. > > She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little "tumble". Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home. She put her costume away and went into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. > > She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." > > > >Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" > >He replied, "I'll tell you. I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys. We went into the den and played poker all night. But I'll tell you, the guy I lent my costume to sure had a good time!" ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Flowers from God (fwd) Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competion was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so - thereby proving that... ...Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Egghead (www.egghead.com) has a deal on Western Digital hard drives. For 2.1, 2.5, 3.1, and 4.0 gig. they have pretty competetive prices. But two extras: 1) mail in coupon for a free copy of Corel WordPerfect Suite Ver 7 for Win 95 ( Word processor, spreadsheet, presentation graphics etc) 2) For another $69 you get a BOCA 33.3 internal fax modem and a collection of instant and mail in rebates totalling $69. Uh, lettssee, 69 -69=, HEY thats FREEEEEE!!!! The corel package is probably of value even if you don;t plan to use it. It can probably qualify for later "competetive upgrades" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 25 Rules for Women 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister. 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game DO, in fact, constitute going out to dinner. 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew, Banana Republic or the local Patagonia store. 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work? 5. Butthead is the smart one. 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear? 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about. 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship." 9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping. 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer. 11. Socks never constitute a gift. 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby. 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask. 14. We DID water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens. 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld." 17. Curley is the bald one. 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours. 19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that. 20. It is neither in your interest nor ours to take The Quiz together. 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to. 22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not. 23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better. 24. No, you can't have the remote control. 25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------- An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." --------------------------------------------------------------- A VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS FOR READERS IN THEIR 23RD YEAR OF SCHOOLING 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. -- guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsuite facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subj: Christmas on the Bayou (ET) The 12 days of Christmas on the Bayou Day 1: Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma. Day 2: Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but all I got was two scrawny pigeons. Anyway, I mixed dem with andouille an made some gumbo out of dem. Day 3: Dear Boudreaux, Why doan you sent some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darn birds. I gave two of dose prissy French chickens to Marie Trahan over at Grans Bayou an fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Marie needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster. Day 4: Dear Boudreaux, Mon Dieux! I tol you no more friggin birds. Deez four, what you call dem "calling birds" were so noisy you could hear dem all de way to Napoleonville. I used dere necks for my crab traps, an fed de rest of dem to de gators. Day 5: Dear Boudreaux, You finally sent somethin useful. I like dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da pawn shop in Thibodeaux and got enuf money to fix da shaft on my shrimp boat an buy a round for da boys at de Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup! Day 6: Dear Boudreaux, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg suckin' Phideaux is scared to death at dem six geeeses. He tried to eat dems eggs and dey peck de heck out ah his snout. Dey good at eating cockroaches, though. I may stuff one of dem wit erster dressing on Christmas day. Day 7: Dear Boudreaux, I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Thibeau, da mailman, is ready to kill ya. The merde from all dem birds is stinkin' up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and sue him good. I let those seven swans loose to swim on de bayou and some duck hunters from Mississippi blasted dem out of de water. Talk to you tomorrow. Day 8: Dear Boudreaux, Poor ole Thibeau, he had to make tree trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids a milkin and their cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me no. I tolt dem to get to work guttin fish and sweeping the shack but dey say it wasn't in dair contract. Dey probably think they to good ta skin da nutrias I caught las night. Day 9: Dear Boudreaux, What you trying to do Huh? Thibeau had to borrow the Lutcher ferry to carry dem jumpin twits you call Lords-a-Leaping across the bayou. As soon as dey gots here dey wanted a tea break with crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, *Well La Di Da. You get Chicory coffee or nuttin.* Mon Dieu, Emile. What I'm gonna feed all dese bozos? Dey too snooty for fried nutria, and de cows done eat my turnip greens. Day 10: Dear Boudreaux, You got to be outs you mind! If de mailman don't kill you, I will for sure. Today he deliver 10 half nakid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said dey be *Ladies Dancin* but dey doan act like ladies in front of dose Limey twits. Dey almos left after one of dem got bit by a water moccasin over by da out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde an get toilet paper. The Sears catalog wasn't good enuf fer dose hoity toity lord's royal behin. Day 11: Dear Boudreaux, Where Y'at. Cheerio an pip pip. Your 11 pipers piping arrives today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off de boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey and we having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman he drink a bottle of Jack Daniel an he having a good time yeah dancing with de floozies. Thibeau he jump off de Sunshine Bridge yesterday, screaming your name. If you get a mysterious, ticking package in de mail, doan open it man. Day 12: Dear Boudreaux, I sorry to tell ya but I not your true love anymore, no. After da fais-do-do, I spent de night with Jacque, de head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentleman's club on de bayou. The floozies, pardon me, Ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and de lords can be waiters an valet park de boats. Since de maids have no more cows ta milk, I trained dem ta set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, an run my shrimping business. We will probably gross a million clams next year. ---------------------------------------------------------------- "Politically Correct" Days of Christmas... On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree. Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law) * *Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I know you've all heard the recently coined slang phrase "Going Postal". Here are some more examples, from the book "Jargon Watch", just published by Wired magazine . . . (By the way, for the out of touch: Going Postal - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.) Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here." Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. Beepilepsy - The brief seizure people sometimes have when their beeper goes off (especially in vibrator mode). Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial expressions, and interruption of speech in midsentence. Chips and Salsa - Chips hardware, salsa software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa." Crapplet - A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!" Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help." Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia. Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man." Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in." GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Keyboard Plaque - The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. Midair Passenger Exchange - Grim air-traffic-controller-speak for a head-on collision. Midair passenger exchanges are quickly followed by "aluminum rain." Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser. Ohnosecond - That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. Seen in Elizabeth P. Crowe's book The Electronic Traveller. PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.") Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves. Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow." Telephone Number Salary - A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits. Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were tourists." Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment. Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all of the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm boot for a Mac II involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps." ---------------------------------------------------------------- Subj: kid's thoughts (MW) My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13 [------------------------------- my favorite!----------------------------------------------] I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --Age 14 [----------------maybe he/she should try cat people!!!!------------------------] I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. --Age 10 Home is where the house is. --Age 6 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13 I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. --Age 13 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I WAS speeding?" --Age 15 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? --Age 15 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --Age 15 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. --Age 15 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- More (I think) alleged Darwin Awards: Individuals who have done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool Note, there was great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners: >5th runner-up: >A San Anselmo, California, man died when he hit a lift tower at the >Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam >pad. 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth >Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County >Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had >hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam >protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department >The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. >The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal >crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the > tower, he hit the one with the pad removed. >4th Runner-up: > >Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. >Louis market when the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo >grabbed a hot dog,shoved it into his mouth, and walked out without paying. >Police found him unconscious in front of the store-- paramedics >removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked >him to death . >3rd Runner-up: >Poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, shot a stag standing above him >on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him. > >2nd Runner-up: >A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the man in >Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his >pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, >triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry >Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid,bit the blasting cap as a prank during >the party late Tuesday night,said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had >it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it, >said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how >to set it off. "He put it into his mouth and bit down. It blew all his >teeth out and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was >listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, >according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just >can't imagine anyone doing something like that, Payne said. > >1st Runner-up: > >Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot >through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and >will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his >right eye last weekend during an initiation into a man's rafting club, >Mountian Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) >in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off >head but the arrow entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the >arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have >been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor >Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow >went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the >rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. >Delashaw also said had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on >his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards >he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. (DUH). Saidd >Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been >filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the >initiation stunt is under investigation. >Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was >killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to >his Chevy Impala and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff >at 300 M.P.H. ....now this year's winners: > >(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins. >of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica >concert at the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but >having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to >"hop" over the nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their >pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was 100 pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence >and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, >there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having >heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His >fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by >a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree >with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. >(Possibly) figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket >knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the >tree Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky >crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and >now without the protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated >his rectal cavity. To make matters worse (?!), on landing,his > pocket knife >penetrated his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on >seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a >rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the >rope to the pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his >drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through >the fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to >find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the >truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving >the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on >his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and >his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air. > >Congratulations gentlemen, you win... --------------------------------------------------------------------- An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: pretzel hold Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending. Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. "You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: pub crawl An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called; you left your wheelchair there again." ============================================================== Subject: FW: Minnesota humor Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish." Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone. Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, "Sven, vat is your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were back here with me". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your ol John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Sven got a new truck ya know. So he called up Ole and says "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vit me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole went with Sven (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway). So Ole and Lena sat in the front of the truck and Sven sat in the back. Then they were on the ice when all of a sudden the truck went right through the ice! So even though Ole and Lena are pretty big people they managed to get out of the truck, and they were waiting for Sven at the top when he finally popped up. Ole says, "Sven vat took you so long!" "Vell", says Sven, "It took me a while to figure out how to open da tail gate." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell." The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" Ole says, "Yes." The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?" Ole replies, "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ole said, "Let's go a vit furder down stream." So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said, "I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat Ole." "You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull. The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder. Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street." At the telegraph office Lena asked "how many words can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Lena pondered her delimma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message: "COMFORTABLE". ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who was dat Ole?", Ole say's "hell if I know, some weirdo wants ta know if da coast is clear." =================================================================== A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. ====================================================== A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't." ========================================================================= >A guy comes home from work to find his wife packing a suitcase. > >"What's going on? Are you going someplace?" he asks. > >"Yes.", she says. "I just found out that women get $400 a trick in Las Vegas." > >He goes to the closet, pulls out another suitcase, and starts packing his >stuff. > >"What are you doing?", she asks. > >"Packing." he says. "I am going along. I want to see you live on $800 a year." ======================================================================= It seems that there was a little church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?" A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!" ======================================================================== > Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent > flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came > around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, > which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked > the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied > in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore > than let liquor touch these lips!" > The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, > "I'm sorry, I didn't know I had a choice ..." > ================================================================= Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The Gate of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use other entrance." Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am." A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones." On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'" A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7." I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?" Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?" After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had." My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" ================================================================== > >> >"A Raffle At Work?" >> > >> >One day a women arrives home from work and her husband >> >notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, >> >"Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in >> >a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start supper." >> > >> >The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a >> >diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the >> >bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my >> >bath ready while I start supper." >> > >> >The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work >> >wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a >> >raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? >> >Go get my bath ready while I start supper." >> > >> >Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices >> >there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her >> >husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub!" >> >He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet!" >> > > ==================================================================== >> HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE: >> >> 1. Page yourself over the intercom. Dont disguise your voice. >> 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same >> outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially >> effective if your boss is a different gender than you. >> 3. Make up nicknames for all of your coworkers and refer to them >> only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky" "No, Im sorry, > but Im going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha." >> 4. Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what >> your'e doing. For example" If anyone needs me, I'll be in the >> bathroom." >> 5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you havent lost them as much >> since you did this. >> 6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. >> Call everyone Madge. >> 7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to >> get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole >> way. >> 8. Put a chair facing the printer. Sit there all day and tell >> people your'e waiting for your document. >> 9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him >> or her if they want fries with that. >> 10. Send an email back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in >> an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-work and ask her to >> settle the disagreement. >> 11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized >> chair-dancing. >> 12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN" >> 13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers. >> 14. Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or >> cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining >> that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've >> got to be faster than that." >> 15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone >> has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to expresso. > > >==================================================================== Travis went skydiving one day On the plane he met Jerry. During the >conversation Travis found out that Jerry was blind. > >Travis: I can't believe that you are a skydiver. How do you get into >position? > >Jerry: That's easy. The plane is small and I can find the door easy >enough. > >Travis: Yes! But how do you assure yourself that you can find the pull >cords? > >Jerry: Oh, that's easy too. I have the cords especially configured. > >Travis: OK! But how do you know when to PULL the cords? > >Jerry: No problem. I have a great sense of smell and can smell trees 300 >feet above their tops. So I know when to pull the cords. > >Travis: That's amazing!! Oh, but how do you know when you're about to >hit >ground so that you end up on your feet?? > >Jerry: Well, the dog's leash goes slack. > > ===================================================================== >A florist went into a barber shop to get his hair cut. when he > reached for his wallet to pay the barber the barber said, "Oh, > I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your > money." The florist graciously thanked him. The next morning > when the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card > from the florist and a dozen carnations. > > Later that day a policeman came into the barber shop. when he > reached for his wallet the barber's reply was the same. "Oh, I'm > doing this for community service. I cannot accept your money." > The policeman graciously thanked him. The next morning when > the barber arrived at work there was a thank you card from the > policeman and a dozen donuts. > > Later that day a senator came into the barber shop. He got a > haircut and was reaching for his wallet when the barber said, > "I'm doing this for community service. I cannot accept your > money." The senator thanked him and left. The next morning > when the barber arrived at work there were a dozen Senators > on his doorstep. > ================================================================== Metric Conversion Chart >> >> (Note: 10*12 = 10 raised to the 12th power) >> >> 10*12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone >> 10*6 bicycles = 2 megacycles >> 500 millenaries = 1 seminary >> 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds >> 10 cards = 1 decacards >> 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn >> 10*-6 fish = 1 microfiche >> 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake >> 10*12 pins = 1 terrapin >> 10*21 piccolos = 1 gigolo >> 10 rations = 1 decoration >> 100 rations = 1 C-ration >> 10 millipedes = 1 centipede >> 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent >> 10 monologs = 5 dialogues >> 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue >> 2 monograms = 1 diagram >> 8 nickles = 2 paradigms >> 2 snake eyes = 1 paradise >> 2 wharves = 1 paradox >> ===================================================================== From the UK edition of 'PC Week' 31 march, 1998: The residents of Silicon Valley are more confused than usual after a billboard campaign by the National Multiple Sclerosis Society of America. One of the ads uses the slogan "MS: It's not a software company" exploiting the fame of a certain company to draw attention to an altogether worthier cause. Requests to comment on the campaign have been met by a surly silence by Microsoft which doesn't relish the association of ideas, but is painfully aware that it can't afford toappear insensitive over such an issue. Seasoned IT professionals will have no trouble telling the two MS's apart. One is a debilitating and surprisingly widespread affliction that renders the sufferer barely able to perform the simplest task. The other is a disease. =========================================================================== You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men: (No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth) Cover charge: $15.00 Round of drinks: $23.00 Table dance: $30.00 Another round of drinks: $23.00 Couch dance and tips: $50.00 A round of shots: $34.00 Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00 Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: Priceless There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard. ================================================================== Beware of kindergarteners bearing gifts. On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flowers." "That's right" the boy replied, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter.The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher said. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking.She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied, obviously delighted that he was the first student to at least temporarily defy the teacher's apparent insight.The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the clearly delighted boy answered. Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy enthusiastically replied, "It's a puppy!" ========================================================= "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise" --Unknown "Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." -- Unknown "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." -- Gene Hill "In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown "To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." -- Aldous Huxley "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -- Sue Murphy "I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -- Anne Tyler "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber "You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." -- Nora Ephron "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -- Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan "Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!" -- Dr. Tom Cat "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -- Ben Williams "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey "Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." -- Unknown "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -- Christopher Morley "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings "Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." -- Holbrook Jackson "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney "He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." -- Unknown "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain "Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." -- Smiley Blanton "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -- John Steinbeck ================================================================ > > HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS > > Can you drive a French motorcycle? > > > > EX POST FUCTO > > Lost in the mail. > > > > IDIOS AMIGOS > > We're wild and crazy guys! > > > > VENI, VIPI, VICI > > I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. > > > > COGITO EGGO SUM > > I think; therefore I waffle. > > > > RIGOR MORRIS > > The cat is dead. > > > > RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID > > Honk if you're Scottish. > > > > QUE SERA SERF > > Life is feudal. > > > > LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI > > The king is dead. No kidding. > > > > POSH MORTEM > > Death styles of the rich and famous. > > > > PRO BOZO PUBLICO > > Support your local clown (or politician, your call) > > > > MONAGE A TROIS > > I am three years old. > > > > FELIX NAVIDAD > > Our cat has a boat. > > > > HASTE CUISINE > > Fast French food. > > > > VENI, VIDI, VICE > > I came, I saw, I partied. > > > > QUIP PRO QUOA > > Fast retort. > > > > ALOHA OY > > Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you would never know. > > > > MAZEL TON > > Tons of luck > > > > VISA LA FRANCE > > Don't leave your chateau without it. > > > > AMICUS PURIAE > > Platonic friend. > > > > L'ETAT, C'EST MOO > > I'm bossy around here. > > > > COGITO, ERGO SPUD > > I think, therefore I Yam. (OK, more than one letter.) > > > > VENI, VIDI, VELCRO > > I came, I saw, I stuck around. > > (OK, another exception) > > > > ICH BIT EIN BERLINER > > He deserved it. > > > > ZITGEIST > > The Clearasil doesn't quite cover it up. > > > > E PLURIBUS ANUM > > Out of any group, there's always one asshole. > > > > NOMO ARIGATO > > No thanks to you. > > > > VIVE LE DUFFERENCE > > Long live golfing. ================================================================