***DATING QUESTION FROM A READER***
A success story with a question and lessons
learned the hard way.
Question: perhaps you have addressed this before,
but why do women choose unstable “losers” over
stable, “good guys” like me? One may noticed this
and labeled it the “SPCA” syndrome: “Society for
Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.” In other words,
the woman goes for the “stray,” not the “well-
bread.”
I think it goes to the issue of challenge, which
has two aspects. One is “benign”: the man has to
be a challenge in the sense that he is not too
available. Another, which is negative, is the man
is so “damaged” that he presents a challenge in
another, less benign way: the woman wants to “fix”
him. I heard Dr. Laura the other day, although I
usually cannot stand her. Some dimwit woman
called in and said she had been dating guy A, who
was nice, and was now dating A’s friend, B, and
she did not know what to do. A was a good guy and
stable, B was a lowlife but was “exciting.” Dr.
“Queen of Life” jumped all over her, asking this
genius how she would answer the same question if
her own daughter asked her that question. It was
clear by the idiot’s “OK” after being given this
advice that she did not get the answer she wanted
and will probably stick with B.
Success story: Confidence.
1. Parents and religion. About 10 years ago, I
was dating a surgeon who was Jewish. I am not
Jewish, so that made a big difference and was
ultimately one of two factors leading to our
demise (the other was that I could not trust her).
She told me her parents did not approve of me
since I was non-Jewish. I just told her to her
face, “I don’t care what your parents think. I’m
not here to please them.” I think this took her
by surprise and increased her respect for me.
You my want to do columns on these if you have not
done so already: dealing with parents; dealing
with different religions.
2. Signs that you are confident. Every dating
advisor stresses male confidence. Watch the
woman’s actions and listen to her words to detect
if your confidence is “showing” or “hitting.” The
surgeon gave me two of the greatest compliments I
ever received, which confirmed that I was “doing
things right.” Both were out of the blue. One:
“I can’t figure you out.” Two: ”I never know
what you are going to do next.”
Suggestions:
1. Criteria. Before arranging a blind date, be
sure to the extent possible that you ensure the
woman meets your “criteria.” DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT
THIS. For example, a friend of mine (I will call
her “A”), working through a friend of hers (”B”),
set me up with a blind date I will call “Carol”. I
drove about 30 minutes to meet the woman. When I
saw her, I immediately knew I did not like her
looks. The “clincher” occurred as we approached
the hostess, who asked us where we wanted to sit.
“Carol” immediately said something like, “I have
to sit somewhere I can smoke.” At that point, the
date was effectively over because I am vehemently
nonsmoking. It is simply not negotiable with me.
So, we sat at a table to the side of the
restaurant instead of a waterfront table.
LESSON: neither my friend nor I remembered to
check for smoking. And, while I went ahead and had
the dinner, I lost about an hour’s driving time
and the time and money for the meal with nothing
in return. The experience was a complete waste
except to re- learn the lesson: ensure the woman
is a nonsmoker.
Another interesting tactic would, after she said
something about smoking, be to say, “I’m sorry. I
did not realize you were a smoker. You know,
really, since I do not smoke the evening will be a
waste of your time and mine, so let’s call it
quits.” And then I should have then simply left.
The problem is that this action would have gotten
me in trouble with my good friend “A.”
2. Eject after her infidelity. After you have
been dating a woman and the two of you have been
exclusive, at the first sign of her infidelity,
PUSH EJECT AND DUMP HERE. Infidelity is an
irreparable breach of trust and cannot be
repaired. I tried to fix a relationship after such
an incident, and she continued to remain in touch
with her “secondary lover.” Despite advice to
dump her and her continuing affection toward me, I
held on for a few more months, which were
miserable, before finally pushing EJECT and
unilaterally dumping her with no warning or
discussion. The lesson is: pay attention to what
women DO, not to what they SAY.
C. J.
>>>MY COMMENTS:
First of all, thank you for taking the time to
think this through and for clearly communicating
the points you’ve made. You’ve brought up some
important ideas, and I’d like to comment on them.
ON THE DR. LAURA STORY AND YOUR QUESTION…
One of the things that Dr. Laura doesn’t get in
this particular situation goes a little something
like this:
THE WOMAN IN THE STORY WASN’T USING LOGIC TO
DECIDE WHICH MAN TO FEEL ATTRACTED TO, SO TRYING
TO CONVINCE HER WITH LOGIC IS A WASTE OF TIME.
Now, you made some valid points about the woman
enjoying the “challenge” of the “stray” and/or of
the “unavailable” guy.
This is good stuff, and it’s accurate.
But, the REAL key to this situation is that
ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE. Attraction is a
POWERFUL EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL response.
And, as you might know, when you’re feeling a
powerful emotion, it’s difficult, or in many
cases, almost impossible to override that emotion
with LOGIC.
The woman is clearly ATTRACTED to the
“lowlife”, but she also knows in her MIND that she
“should” stay with the “stable nice guy”.
EMOTION beats LOGIC any day of the week when it
comes to attraction and female behavior.
Being a challenge and being unavailable are
things that TRIGGER the emotion, but once it’s
triggered then there’s not much that a woman can
do about it.
And as you noticed, not even advice from the
“first lady” of relationship logic can change it.
So to answer your question, the reason why
women “choose” unstable losers over stable guys
like you is…
THEY DON’T CHOOSE AT ALL.
There is no logical “decision” being made. When
it comes to ATTRACTION, “choosing” doesn’t even
come into play.
If you want women to feel that powerful emotion
called ATTRACTION for you, then you need to learn
how to communicate and behave in the way that
TRIGGERS ATTRACTION.
This article is from David Deangelo Newsletter and have been submitted by the architect of free online dating site, know as Dating Idol