- Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
- So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
- What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
- A drummer.
- What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
- Drool.
- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
- The knock always slows down.
- How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
- Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
- Why do bands have bass players?
- To translate for the drummer.
- Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
- It took two hours to get the drummer out.
- How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
-
- “Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?”
- Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.
- Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
- Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
- None. They have a machine to do that.
- Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
- So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.
- What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
- With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!”
In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said “If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal–he’s the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes.” Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile.
“You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.”
“But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?”
“No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
“Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?”
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13.”
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”
The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”