Conductor: “Start three measures before the da capo.”
Principal violist: “Hold on! We don’t have measure numbers.”
At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: “You are out of tune. Check it, please!”
The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, “Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight.”
The first violist turns around and shouts, “You bloody idiot! It’s not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!”
Radio presenter, Tim Pollard, on BBC Radio Jersey, when introducing a piece of music by the well-known British composer, Eric Coates, said:
“All Eric Coates ever wanted to do was to write music to entertain. But for a while he was a professional viola player.”
After his retirement the violist arrived home carrying his viola case. His wife saw the case and asked “What’s that?”
(In Germany it is a standing joke that some players leave their instruments in their lockers, removing them only for rehearsals and performances.)
A violist and a ‘cellist were standing on a sinking ship. “Help!” cried the ‘cellist, “I can’t swim!”
“Don’t worry,” said the violist, “just fake it.”
A violist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him “Well, apparently the conductor came to your house, and …”
The violist’s eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, “The conductor? Came to my house?”
A ‘cellist and three violists walked into a restaurant. Presently a waiter came over to serve them.
“Good Evening, sir,” he said to the ‘cellist. “And what would like tonight?”
“I’d like a rump steak, medium rare,” replied the ‘cellist.
“Would you like anything with that?”
“What do you have?”
“Salad?” suggested the waiter.
“No, thank you,” said the cellist.
“Potatoes?”
“Ah, no.”
“Vegetables?”
“Oh, they’ll have what I’m having.”
A viola player went to a piano recital. After the performance he went up to the pianist and said, “You know, I particularly liked that piece you played last–the one that started with a long trill.”
The pianist said, “Huh? I didn’t play any pieces that started with trills.”
The viola player said, “You know–[he hums the opening bars of Für Elise.]”
A violist in an orchestra was crying and screaming at the oboe player sitting directly behind him. The conductor asked, “What are you so upset about?”
The violist replied “The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it’s all out of tune!”
The conductor asked “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
The violist replied “I’m not overreacting! He won’t tell me which one!”
A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: “viola left hand, bow right.”
A man went into a novelty shop and saw an item that caught his fancy almost immediately. It was a stuffed rat. The man couldn’t take his eyes off it, and finally asked how much it cost. The answer was “$79.95, but if you buy it, you can’t return it for any reason.” The man thought this was a bit odd, but he was really taken by the stuffed rat so he bought it.
As he headed down the street with the stuffed rat, several live rats started following him. He thought this was really odd, but he kept walking. Within a few blocks, he had a huge pack of rats behind him. When he got to the river, he threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the live rats jumped into the river and drowned.
The man returned to the shop. As soon as he walked in, the owner said “I told you you couldn’t return the stuffed rat!”
The man said “No! I don’t want to return it! I was wondering if you had any stuffed violists.”
A viola player decides that he’s had enough of being a viola player–unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop, and says, “I want to buy a violin.”
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment, and then says, “You must be a viola player.”
The viola player is astonished, and says, “Well, yes, I am. But how did you know?”
“Well, sir, this is a fish-and-chip shop.”
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. “We can’t audition you,” he said.
“No problem,” replied the violist.
“There’s no time to rehearse. You’ll have to do the concert cold.”
“I know. It’ll be all right.”
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered, and the violist took his place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked him “Where’ve you been for the last two weeks?”