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Sep 18
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin”.
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times.?”
“Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
“Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.
“Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
“Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
“Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
“Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
“Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
“Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
“Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
“Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was….. God I miss him.
” But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”.
“Wonderful”, said the husband, “but why?
“Your’re with the “GOVERNMENT”..
This time I KNOW I’M gonna get screwed.”
Sep 18
Men are like computers – hard to figure out and never have enough memory Still Women likes man
Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man
Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man
Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man
Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man
Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man
Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man
Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped Still Women likes man
A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man
What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don’t have eyes. Still Women likes man
Sep 18
(1) He spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, “concentrate”.
(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.
(5) He tries to drown a fish.
(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change.
(7) He trips over a cordless phone.
(8 ) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
(9) At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign Here”, he puts “Sagittarius”.
(10) He takes 2 hours to watch “60 minutes”.
(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.
(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.
(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.
(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport left”, and he turned around and went home.
(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.
(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he is an idiot!!!
Sep 18
GOD created the DONKEY and told him, ‘You will work tireless from sunrise up to sunset, carrying heavy bags on your back, you will eat grass. You will not have intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a DONKEY!’
The DONKEY answered, ‘I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!’ and GOD gave him 20 years.
GOD created DOG and told him ‘ You will look after man’s house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!’
The DOG answered ‘GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!’ and GOD gave him 10 years.
GOD created the MONKEY and told him, ‘you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!’
The MONKEY answered ‘ GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!’ and GOD gave him 10 years.
Finally,
GOD created MAN and told him, ‘you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.
The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don’t you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn’t want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?’
That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:
MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!
Jul 11
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Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”
Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”
When asked by the Pope (I forget which one) what the Catholic Church could do for music, Igor Stravinsky is reputed to have answered without hesitation: “Give us back castrati!”
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: “We make the best violins on the block.”
Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients.
“Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!”, said the patient.
“Why, thank you,” said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). “Are you by chance a musician?”
“Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I’ve played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones.” said the patient.
“Wow, that’s impressive,” said the violinist. “Did you do recitals as well?”
“Oh yes, I’ve done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones,” said the patient.
“Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?” asked the violinist.
“Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire,” said the patient.
Puzzled, the violinist asked “Did you ever play string quartets?”
All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted “String quartets!… String quartets!… String quartets!… “
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven’s Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims.
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
- There’s a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
- There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.
When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, “Look at the time! We’ll be late!”
The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.
While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, “I think we’ll still have enough time–I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.”
Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn’t missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor’s face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all…
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.
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Reprinted without permission from Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO newsletter.
The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.
Tonight’s page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world’s leading pianists.
In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in “grace, swiftness, and especially poise.”
For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist’s view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.
Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.
Jul 11
- string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers.
- detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.
- glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
- subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.
- risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the conductor tries to do.
- senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.
- preparatory beat: a threat made to singers, i.e., sing, or else….
- crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
- conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
- clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.
- transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
- vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
- half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.
- coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
- chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
- bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
- ad libitum: a premiere.
- beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
- cadence: when everybody hopes you’re going to stop, but you don’t.
- diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
- lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
- virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)
- music: a complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.
- oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.
- tenor: two hours before a nooner.
- diminished fifth: an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
- perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.
- ritard: there’s one in every family.
- relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.
- relative minor: a girlfriend.
- big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.
- pianissimo: “refill this beer bottle”.
- repeat: what you do until they just expel you.
- treble: women ain’t nothin’ but.
- bass: the things you run around in softball.
- portamento: a foreign country you’ve always wanted to see.
- conductor: the man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.
- arpeggio: “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”
- tempo: good choice for a used car.
- A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.
- transpositions:
- men who wear dresses.
- An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
- cut time:
- parole.
- when everyone else is playing twice as fast as you are.
- order of sharps: what a wimp gets at the bar.
- passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.
- middle C: the only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low.
- perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.
- tuba: a compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”
- cadenza:
- that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
- The heroine in Monteverdi’s opera Frottola
- whole note: what’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.
- clef: what you try never to fall off of.
- bass clef: where you wind up if you do fall off.
- altos: not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes”.
- minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.
- melodic minor: loretta Lynn’s singing dad.
- 12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.
- quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.
- sonata: what you get from a bad cold or hay fever.
- clarinet: name used on your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo.
- cello: the proper way to answer the phone.
- bassoon:
- typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
- a bedpost with a bad case of gas.
- french horn: your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
- cymbal: what they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.
- bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.
- time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.
- first inversion: grandpa’s battle group at Normandy.
- staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.
- major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: “Damn! That was a major scale!”
- aeolian mode: how you like Mama’s cherry pie.
- bach chorale: the place behind the barn where you keep the horses.
- plague: a collective noun, as in “a plague of conductors.”
- audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.
- accidentals: wronng notes.
- augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.
- broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.
- cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.
- chansons de geste: dirty songs.
- clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.
- crotchet:
- a tritone with a bent prong.
- like knitting, but faster.
- ducita: a lot of mallards.
- embouchure the way you look when you’ve been playing the Krummhorn.
- estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.
- garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.
- hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
- interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
- Major interval: a long time.
- Minor interval: a few bars.
- Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.
- intonation: singing through one’s nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.
- isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
- minnesinger: a boy soprano.
- musica ficta: when you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it again.
- neums: renaissance midgets.
- neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
- ordo: the hero in Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings.
- rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
- trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma’s Revenge.
- lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.
- sancta: Clausula’s husband.
- lasso: the 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
- di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.
- quaver: beginning viol class.
- rackett: capped reeds class
- ritornello: a Verdi opera.
- sine proprietate: cussing in church.
- supertonic: Schweppes.
- trope: a malevolent neum.
- tutti: a lot of sackbuts.
- stops: something Bach didn’t have on his organ.
- agnus dei: a famous female church composer.
- metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.
- allegro: leg fertilizer.
- recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.
- transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.
Jul 11
- “Wagner’s music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.”
- –Rossini
- “Richard Wagner’s music is better than it sounds.”
- — Mark Twain
- “A critic is like a eunich: he knows exactly how it ought to be done.”
- “A drummer is a musician’s best friend.”
- from a Martin Mull album.
- “The present day composer refuses to die.”
- — Edgar Varese
- “Beethoven had an ear for music.”
- — anonymous
- “The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two.”
- — The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce
- Did you hear that Mr. Solfege had a dog?
- His name was feedo.
- What do you get when you put a diminished chord together with an augmented chord?
- A demented chord.
- How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
- …hmm…I don’t know…what do you think?
- A first violinist, a second violinist, a virtuoso violist, and a bass player are at the four corners of a football field. At the signal, someone drops a 100 dollar bill in the middle of the field and they run to grab it. Who gets it?
- The second violinist, because:
- No first violinist is going anywhere for only 100 dollars.
- There’s no such thing as a virtuoso violist.
- The bass player hasn’t figured out what it’s all about.
- Why did the Philharmonic disband?
- Excessive sax and violins.
Borodin nothing to do!!
Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.
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Jul 11
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- What’s the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
- The seamstress tucks up the frills.
- What’s the difference between a seamstress and a soprano?
- The seamstress tucks and frills.
- What’s the difference between a seamstress and a french horn player?
- The seamstress says “Tuck the frills.”
Jul 11
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- What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
- “Would you like fries with that?”
- What do you call a musician without a significant other?
- Homeless.
- Why do musicians have to be awake by six o’clock?
- Because most shops close by six thirty.
- What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
- Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
- What’s the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?
- The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses’ asses.
- The stages of a musician’s life:
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- Who is name?
- Get me name.
- Get me someone who sounds like name.
- Get me a young name.
- Who is name?
There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn’t have any money either.
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded “It’s the least I could do, since I won’t be at the performance.”
Saint Peter is checking ID’s at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. “Tell me, what have you done in life?” says St. Peter.
The Texan says, “Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn’t sit on my laurels–I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations.”
St. Peter says, “That’s quite something. Come on in. Next!”
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, “I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn’t selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children.”
“Wonderful!” says Saint Peter. “Come in. Who’s next?”
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, “Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime.”
“Heavens!” says St. Peter. “What instrument did you play?”
St. Peter’s still checking ID’s. He asks a man, “What did you do on Earth?”
The man says, “I was a doctor.”
St. Peter says, “Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?”
“I was a school teacher.”
“Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen…”
A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”
A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”
The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”
The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a musician.”
The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”
Jul 11
By Donn Laurence Mills
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If there were a basic training manual for orchestra players, it might include ways to practice not only music, but one-upmanship. It seems as if many young players take pride in getting the conductor’s goat. The following rules are intended as a guide to the development of habits that will irritate the conductor. (Variations and additional methods depend upon the imagination and skill of the player.)
- Never be satisfied with the tuning note. Fussing about the pitch takes attention away from the podium and puts it on you, where it belongs.
- When raising the music stand, be sure the top comes off and spills the music on the floor.
- Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded space, or a draft. It’s best to do this when the conductor is under pressure.
- Look the other way just before cues.
- Never have the proper mute, a spare set of strings, or extra reeds. Percussion players must never have all their equipment.
- Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression you’re about to quit. Let the conductor know you’re there as a personal favor.
- Pluck the strings as if you are checking tuning at every opportunity, especially when the conductor is giving instructions. Brass players: drop mutes. Percussionists have a wide variety of dropable items, but cymbals are unquestionably the best because they roll around for several seconds.
- Loudly blow water from the keys during pauses (Horn, oboe and clarinet players are trained to do this from birth).
- Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune. This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not playing at the time. (If he catches you, pretend to be correcting a note in your part.)
- At dramatic moments in the music (while the conductor is emoting) be busy marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
- Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know you don’t have the music.
- Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
- Tell the conductor, “I can’t find the beat.” Conductors are always sensitive about their “stick technique”, so challenge it frequently.
- As the conductor if he has listened to the Bernstein recording of the piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask “Is this the first time you’ve conducted this piece?”
- When rehearsing a difficult passage, screw up your face and shake your head indicating that you’ll never be able to play it. Don’t say anything: make him wonder.
- If your articulation differs from that of others playing the same phrase, stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until backstage just before the concert.
- Find an excuse to leave rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others will become restless and start to pack up and fidget.
- During applause, smile weakly or show no expression at all. Better yet, nonchalantly put away your instrument. Make the conductor feel he is keeping you from doing something really important.
It is time that players reminded their conductors of the facts of life: just who do conductors think they are, anyway?
Donn Laurence Mills is the NSOA contributing editor. He holds music degrees from Northwestern University and Eastman School of Music. A conductor and music educator, he is also the American educational director for the Yamaha Foundation of Tokyo.
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