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Jul 11
- Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
- To get away from the noise.
- What’s the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer and a hammered dulcimer?
- A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer burns longer.
- How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three. One to change the bulb and two to sing about the old one.
- What happens if you play blues music backwards?
- Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
- What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
- New Age music.
- What does it say on a blues singer’s tombstone?
- “I didn’t wake up this morning…”
- “Hey, buddy, how late do the filkers play?”
- “Oh, about half a beat behind…”
- What’s the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
- Eventually the puppy stops whining.
- How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
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- “One, two, three, one, two, three…”
- “Hey man, I just do sound.”
- One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
- How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
- 12,001. One to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures of it, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
- How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
- Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz?
- Start with two million.
- How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
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- None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.
- “Don’t worry about the changes. We’ll fake it!”
- How do you turn a duck into a soul artist?
- Put it in the oven until its (it’s) Bill Withers.
Micheal Caine goes up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, “What kind of cigar are you smoking there?”
“It’s a Lawrence Welk.” says Milton.
“What’s a Lawrence Welk?” Micheal asks.
Milton says “It’s a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it.”
Angus was asked why there were drones on the bagpipe when they make such a distressing sound. He answered, “Without the drones, I might as well be playing the piano.”
Two musicians are driving down a road. All of a sudden they notice the Grim Reaper in the back seat. Death informs them that they had an accident and they both died. But, before he must take them off into eternity, he grants each musician with one last request to remind them of their past life on earth. The first musician says he was a Country & Western musician and would like to hear eight choruses of Achy-Breaky Heart as a last hoorah! The second musician says “I was a jazz musician…kill me now!”
I was playing in a night club, and getting few requests and small tips. Towards the end of the night, a man walked up with a wad of bills in his hand and asked me to play a jazz chord. I played an Amaj7.
He said, “No, no. A jazz chord.”
I did a little improvisational thing, but he didn’t like that either.
“No, no, no! A jazz chord. You know, ‘A jazz chord, to say, ah love you.’”
Son: Mother, I want to grow up and be a rock-n-roll musician.
Mother: Now son, you have to pick one or the other. You can’t do both.
A Jazz musician was told by his doctor, “I am very sorry to tell you that you have cancer and you have only one more year to live.”
The Jazz musician replied, “And what am I going to live on for an entire year?”
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Jul 11
A “Chang” is a Central Asian instrument (from countries such as Uzbekistan). It’s something like a hammered dulcimer with a damper pedal.
- How long does it take to tune a chang?
- Nobody knows.
- Why is it so difficult to tune a chang?
- So that violist can feel superior about something.
- Q: How many chang players does it take to change a light bulb?
- All of them. One to twist the bulb for several hours, and the other one to decide that it’s as good as it’s going to get, and that they might as well flip the switch.
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Jul 11
- If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
- Who cares?
- What’s the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
- The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
- What do you call ten accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
- A good start.
- What’s a bassoon good for?
- Kindling for an accordion fire.
- What’s a accordion good for?
- Learning how to fold a map.
- What do you call a group of topless female accordian players?
- Ladies in Pain
- Bumper Stickers:
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- Play an accordian–go to jail!
- Three rows and you’re out!
Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
- Violinist: 25 feet
- Bad Violinist: 50 feet
- Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
- 15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
- Accordionist: 60 miles
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Jul 11
- What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
- The stage is level.
- How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
- Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.
- How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
- Give him some sheet music.
- What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
- Both suck when you plug them in.
- How do you make a bass player turn down the volume?
- Put a chart in front of him.
- How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
- None–they just steal somebody else’s light.
- What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
- Counterpoint.
- What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
- He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
- What’s the best thing to play on a guitar?
- Solitaire.
- How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
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- None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
- Don’t bother. Just leave it out–no one will notice.
- One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
- Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
- In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
- Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
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Jul 11
- What’s the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
- The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
- What’s the least-used sentence in the English language?
- “Isn’t that the banjo player’s Porsche?”
- What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
- “Will the defendant please rise?”
There’s nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it’s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
Female five string banjoist shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: “Don’t forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string.”
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Jun 12
What do you call a groupie who hangs around and annoys musicians?
A bodhran player.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
How do you know when there is a bodhran player at your front door?
The knocking gets faster and faster and faster.
What do bodhran players use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
Jun 12
- Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
- So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.
- What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
- A drummer.
- What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
- Drool.
- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
- The knock always slows down.
- How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
- Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.
- Why do bands have bass players?
- To translate for the drummer.
- Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
- It took two hours to get the drummer out.
- How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
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- “Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?”
- Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.
- Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
- Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
- None. They have a machine to do that.
- Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses?
- So they don’t disgrace themselves in parades.
- What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
- With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Heard backstage: “Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!”
In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said “If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal–he’s the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes.” Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard–wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent’s card and Faisal’s face brightened into a huge smile.
“You’re just in time–I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment.”
“But,” gasped Ed, “what about a rehearsal?”
“No time–don’t worry.” And with that, Faisal disappeared.
Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat.
“Wait.” shouted Ed. “What are we playing?”
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, “Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13.”
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”
The store owner says, “That `big red accordion’ is the radiator.”
Jun 12
- What’s the range of a tuba?
- Twenty yards if you’ve got a good arm!
- How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
- Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink ’till the room spins.
- What’s a tuba for?
- 1 1/2″ by 3 1/2″ unless you request “full cut.”
Note: in the USA, a 2 x 4 is a two-inch by four-inch piece of wood, which actually measures 1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.
- How do you fix a broken tuba?
- With a tuba glue.
These two tuba players walk past a bar…
Well, it could happen!
Jun 12
- How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
- Have them miss every other note.
- How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
- Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.
- What is the difference between a french horn section and a ‘57 Chevy?
- You can tune a ‘57 Chevy.
- What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
- A goalpost that can’t march.
- How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Just one, but he’ll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
- Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
- Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.
- How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
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- “Hi. I played that last year.”
- “Hi. I did that piece in junior high.”
A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?”
“Nah,” the first girl replied. “That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all.”
The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”
“Ugh!” the first girl exclaimed. “Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!”
The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, “Well, how was his kissing?”
“Well,” the first girl replied, “his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!”
Jun 12
- What’s the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw?
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- Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still.
- It’s easier to improvise on a chainsaw.
- How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
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- Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
- Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
- How do you know when a trombone player is at your door?
- The doorbell drags.
- What is a gentleman?
- Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn’t.
- What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone?
- A optimist.
- What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road?
- The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
- How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Just one, but he’ll do it too loudly.
- How do you know when there’s a trombonist at your door?
- His hat says “Domino’s Pizza”
- How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist’s car?
- Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
- What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
- “Year-At-A-Glance.”
- How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
- He doesn’t know how to use the slide, and he can’t swing.
- What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
- On or off.
It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it!
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