Humor

Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.

Sardarji says “Yes”.

“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder .”

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.”

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder “.

A Jobless man applied for the position of ‘office boy’ at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

‘You are employed’ he said.  Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when  you may start.

The man replied ‘But I don’t have a computer, neither an email’.

‘I’m sorry’, said the HR manager. If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.’

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US …
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,’I don’t have an email.’
The broker answered curiously, ‘You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!’ The man thought for a while and replied, ‘Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!’

Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don’t have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire……….

Provided : Free online dating

1. Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again!
2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
3. Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
4. Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
5. Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
6. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
7. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

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From: EFFICIENCY & TICKET, LTD., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert’s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician’s Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.

Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he’ll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

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What’s the definition of “nerd?”

Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

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What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?

Gifted.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

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What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

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What is the definition of a half step?

Two oboes playing in unison.

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What is the definition of a major second?

Two baroque oboes playing in unison.

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How do you get an oboist to play A flat?

Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the bassoon recital.

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What’s the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?

A bad oboist can kill you.

Unlike most of the other nonfoolish holidays, the history of April fool’s Day, sometimes called All Fool’s Day, and is not totally clear. There really wasn’t a “first April Fool’s Day” that can be pinpointed on the calendar. Some believe it sort of evolved simultaneously in several cultures at the same time, from celebrations involving the first day of spring.

The closest point in time that can be identified as the beginning of this tradition was in 1582, in France. Prior to that year, the New Year was celebrated for eight days, beginning on March 25. The celebration culminated on April 1. With the reform of the calendar under Charles IX, the Gregorian calendar was introduced, and New Year’s Day was moved to January 1.

However, communications being what they were in the days when news traveled by foot, many people did not receive the news for several years. Others, the more obstinate crowd, refused to accept the new calendar and continued to celebrate the New Year on April 1. These backward folk were labeled as “fools” by the general populace. They were subject to some ridicule, and were often sent on “fool’s errands” or were made the butt of other practical jokes.

This harassment evolved, over time, into a tradition of prank-playing on the first day of April. The tradition eventually spread to England and Scotland in the eighteenth century. It was later introduced to the American colonies of both the English and French. April fool’s Day thus developed into an international fun fest, so to speak, with different nationalities specializing in their own brand of humor at the expense of their friends and families.

In Scotland, for example, April fool’s Day is actually celebrated for two days. The second day is devoted to pranks involving the posterior region of the body. It is called Taily Day. The origin of the “kick me” sign can be traced to this observance.

Mexico’s counterpart of April fool’s Day is actually observed on December 28. Originally, the day was a sad remembrance of the slaughter of the innocent children by King Herod. It eventually evolved into a lighter commemoration involving pranks and trickery.

Pranks performed on April fool’s Day range from the simple, (such as saying, “Your shoe’s untied!), to the elaborate. Setting a roommate’s alarm clock back an hour is a common gag. Whatever the prank, the trickster usually ends it by yelling to his victim, “April Fool!”

Practical jokes are a common practice on April fool’s Day. Sometimes, elaborate practical jokes are played on friends or relatives that last the entire day. The news media even gets involved. For instance, a British short film once shown on April fool’s Day was a fairly detailed documentary about “spaghetti farmers” and how they harvest their crop from the spaghetti trees.

April fool’s Day is a “for-fun-only” observance. Nobody is expected to buy gifts or to take their “significant other” out to eat in a fancy restaurant. Nobody gets off work or school. It’s simply a fun little holiday, but a holiday on which one must remain forever vigilant, for he may be the next April fool!

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an Employee who was supposed to be busy working at Client side on a critical project. It had the subject - ” TaTa - Bye Bye“. With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands :-

Dear Sir,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down.
I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you.
I am sorry but I had no choice.

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and “big heart”.
I am off course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Off course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the compnay (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.
Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me.
Last but not the least. I also have the 7000 Rs entrusted to me by our company’s cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.
I thank you for that in advance, and assure you that I will surely invest them wisely (but not in your company’s stocks of course).

Don’t worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company.
Someday I’m sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

Your faithful employee,
S. W. Engineer

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PS”. Hands still trembling, the Boss read:

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I’m am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my “Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal” attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you.

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break. “We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania,” he replied. “That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said. “Can you tell the class how you spell that?” Little Johnny thought about it and said, “You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio.”

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