Sardarji says “Yes”.

“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder .”

The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a ride.

On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.

“Give me a thousand rupees and I’ll go get a ladder.”

The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says “I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I’ll go get a ladder “.

‘You are employed’ he said.  Give me your e-mail address and I’ll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when  you may start.

The man replied ‘But I don’t have a computer, neither an email’.

‘I’m sorry’, said the HR manager. If you don’t have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn’t exist, cannot have the job.’

The man left with no hope at all. He didn’t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US …
He started to plan his family’s future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,’I don’t have an email.’
The broker answered curiously, ‘You don’t have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?!!’ The man thought for a while and replied, ‘Yes, I’d be an office boy at Microsoft!’

Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don’t have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire……….

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times.?”

“Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

“Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he’d look into it and get back with me.

“Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

“Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

“Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

“Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

“Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

“Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

“Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

“Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was….. God I miss him.

” But now that I’ve married you, I’m so excited”.

“Wonderful”, said the husband, “but why?

“Your’re with the “GOVERNMENT”..

This time I KNOW I’M gonna get screwed.”

Men are like coolers – load them with beer and you can take them anywhere Still Women likes man

Men are like chocolate bars – sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips Still Women likes man

Men are like coffee – the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night Still Women likes man

Men are like horoscopes – they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong Still Women likes man

Men are like cement – after getting laid they take a long time to get hard Still Women likes man

Men are like laxatives – they irritate the shit out of you Still Women likes man

Men are like parking spots – the good ones are already taken and what’s left is handicapped Still Women likes man

A man is like a snowstorm – you never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long he will last Still Women likes man

What should you give a man who has everything? – A woman to show him how to work it Still Women likes man

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? – Breasts don’t have eyes. Still Women likes man

(2) He puts lipstick on the forehead because he wanted to makeup his mind.

(3) He gets stabbed in a shoot-out.

(4) He sends a fax with a stamp on it.

(5) He tries to drown a fish.

(6) If you gave them a penny for their intelligence, you’d get change.

(7) He trips over a cordless phone.

(8 ) He takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.

(9) At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign Here”, he puts “Sagittarius”.

(10) He takes 2 hours to watch “60 minutes”.

(11) He invents a solar powered flashlight.

(12) He heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so he moves.

(13) He misses the No. 14 Bus, and takes the 7 twice instead.

(14) He takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport left”, and he turned around and went home.

(15) He got locked in a furniture shop but sleeps on the floor.

(16) He spends time reading thru the above 15 points and analyses if he is an idiot!!!

The DONKEY answered, ‘I will be a DONKEY, but living 50 years is too much, give me only 20 years!’ and GOD gave him 20 years.

GOD created DOG and told him ‘ You will look after man’s house, you will be his best friend, you will eat whatever they give you and you will live 25years, You will be a DOG!’

The DOG answered ‘GOD, living 25 years is too much, give only 10 years!’ and GOD gave him 10 years.

GOD created the MONKEY and told him, ‘you will jump from branch to branch you will do silly things, you will be amusing and you will live 20 years, you will be a MONKEY!’

The MONKEY answered ‘ GOD, living 20 years is too much , give me only 10 years!’ and GOD gave him 10 years.

Finally,

GOD created MAN and told him, ‘you will be a MAN the only rational being on this earth and you will use your intelligence to control other animals, you will dominate the world and you will live for 20 years.

The MAN answered, GOD I will be a man but living 20 years is not enough, why don’t you give me the 30 years that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn’t want and the 10 years that the MONKEY refused ?’

That was exactly what GOD did, and since then:

MAN lives 20 years like a MAN, then he gets married and spends 30 years like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on his back. Then, when his children leave he spends 15 years like DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him. Then he gets old, retires and spends 10 years like a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or from children to children, doing silly things to amuse his grandchildren!

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the ’shut down ‘ button.
3. There is a button ’start’ but there is no “stop” button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is ‘Run’ in the menu. One of my friend clicked ‘run ‘ has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to “sit”, so that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any ‘re-scooter’ available in system? As I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ‘ find’, but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my ‘mouse’ from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning ‘HEARTS’ (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.

9. My child learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

What’s the difference between a SEO and a vulture?
The SEO gets frequent flyer miles.

What’s the difference between a SEO and an onion?
People cry when they slice up an onion.

What’s the difference between an accountant and a SEO?
Accountants know they’re boring.

Why don’t hyenas eat SEO’s?
Even hyenas has some dignity.

Why won’t sharks attack SEO’s?
Professional courtesy.

This post is guest blogged by Dinesh B. Dinesh is a Dallas SEO consultant currently well on his way to win the latest SEO contest, the Busby SEO Challenge.

1. Wilson is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If he adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from his colleagues will he be able to retire on the money he has saved if he invests it in mutual bonds, yielding 8.7%, before he is fired from his job? If not, calculate the probablitity of him ever working in a professional symphony orchestra again!
2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for 12 years, three months and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (total days in the orchestra) x 0.0076. Assuming he stopped practising altogether four years, six months and three days ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?
3. Wilma plays in the second violin section, but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment about any given musician is 4 chances in 7, and for conductors is 16 chances out of 17. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative remarks does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?
4. Horace is the General Manager of an important symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces per concert, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven or Brahms in the next ten years?
5. Betty plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays 0.3528 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already 0.16485 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?
6. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?
7. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps or flats without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the Musician’s Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.

Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.

Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”
Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”

“Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!”, said the patient.

“Why, thank you,” said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). “Are you by chance a musician?”

“Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I’ve played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones.” said the patient.

“Wow, that’s impressive,” said the violinist. “Did you do recitals as well?”

“Oh yes, I’ve done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones,” said the patient.

“Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?” asked the violinist.

“Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire,” said the patient.

Puzzled, the violinist asked “Did you ever play string quartets?”

All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted “String quartets!… String quartets!… String quartets!… “

Now at this point, you must understand two things:

1. There’s a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don’t have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez’s 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews.

When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, “Look at the time! We’ll be late!”

The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House.

While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, “I think we’ll still have enough time–I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When he gets down to there, Milton’s going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.”

Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn’t missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor’s face told them they were still in serious trouble. Katims was furious! After all…

It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
the score was tied,
there were two men out,
and the Count was full.

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Reprinted without permission from Edmonton Centre newsletter, Canada, and Canadian RCCO newsletter.

The following program notes are from an unidentified piano recital.

Tonight’s page turner, Ruth Spelke, studied under Ivan Schmertnick at the Boris Nitsky School of Page Turning in Philadelphia. She has been turning pages here and abroad for many years for some of the world’s leading pianists.

In 1988, Ms. Spelke won the Wilson Page Turning Scholarship, which sent her to Israel to study page turning from left to right. She is winner of the 1984 Rimsky Korsakov Flight of the Bumblebee Prestissimo Medal, having turned 47 pages in an unprecedented 32 seconds. She was also a 1983 silver medalist at the Klutz Musical Page Pickup Competition: contestants retrieve and rearrange a musical score dropped from a Yamaha. Ms. Spelke excelled in “grace, swiftness, and especially poise.”

For techniques, Ms. Spelke performs both the finger-licking and the bent-page corner methods. She works from a standard left bench position, and is the originator of the dipped-elbow page snatch, a style used to avoid obscuring the pianist’s view of the music. She is page turner in residence in Fairfield Iowa, where she occupies the coveted Alfred Hitchcock Chair at the Fairfield Page Turning Institute.

Ms. Spelke is married, and has a nice house on a lake.