> > > The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot , > they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to > get there without any assistance from them, so it was with some > amusement that we (Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange > between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird). > > Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the > active." > > Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate. The BA 747 pulls onto the > main taxiway and stops. > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!" > > Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now. > > Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you > never been to Frankfurt before?!" > > Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop." > ________________________________________________ > > > There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from > the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy > who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the > Jets. > > In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other > and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb > out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, > "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of > his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and > says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" > > The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I > think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and > live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and > says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends." The Air > Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his > trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. > > He says to the NAVY and Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that > we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie > says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack > Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to > the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands > the bottle back to the Air Force guy. > > The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait > for the cops to show up." > > ______________________________________________ > > > What a woman says: > > Cmon...This place is a mess! > You and I need to clean. > Your pants are on the floor > and you'll have no clothes > if we don't do laundry now! > > What a man hears: > > C'MON....blah, blah, blah > YOU AND I blah, blah, blah > blah, blah ON THE FLOOR > blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES > blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW! > > _____________________________________________ > > The top 50 oxymorons: > 50. Act naturally > 49. Found missing > 48. Resident alien > 47. Advanced BASIC > 46. Genuine imitation > 45. Airline Food > 44. Good grief > 43. Same difference > 42. Almost exactly > 41. Government organization > 40. Sanitary landfill > 39. Alone together > 38. Legally drunk > 37. Silent scream > 36. British fashion > 35. Living dead > 34. Small crowd > 33. Business ethics > 32. Soft rock > 31. Butt Head > 30. Military Intelligence > 29. Software documentation > 28. New York culture > 27. New classic > 26. Sweet sorrow > 25. Childproof > 24. "Now, then ..." > 23. Synthetic natural gas > 22. Christian Scientists > 21. Passive aggression > 20. Taped live > 19. Clearly misunderstood > 18. Peace force > 17. Extinct Life > 16. Temporary tax increase > 15. Computer jock > 14. Plastic glasses > 13. Terribly pleased > 12. Computer security > 11. Political science > 10. Tight slacks > 9. Definite maybe > 8. Pretty ugly > 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake > 6. Diet ice cream > 4. Working vacation > 3. Exact estimate > 2. Religious tolerance > > And the Number one top OXY-Moron > 1. Microsoft Works ------------------------------------------------- > >> The recent tragic death of Sonny Bono and the death of Michael Kennedy > in > >> tree-related skiing accidents has conspiracy theorists abuzz. The > ominous > >> parallels can't be denied: > >> > >> *Michael Kennedy died after skiing into a tree in Aspen, CO > >> *Sonny Bono died after skiing into a tree in Lake Tahoe, CA > >> > >> *An Aspen is a kind of tree. > >> *The word "Tahoe" is Native American for "tree" > >> > >> *Kennedy was a socialist who thought everyone (but him) should just > >> "share". > >> *Bono was once married to "Cher". > >> > >> *Kennedy was born into an idolized family yet managed to disgrace > himself. > >> *After losing family and career in his divorce with Cher, a disgraced > Bono > >> managed to recreate himself honorably and rise to the position of > idolized > >> Mayor and then Congressman > >> > >> *Kennedy was accused of molesting an underage girl. > >> *Bono had a daughter named, ironically, "Chastity". > >> > >> These parallels have led some to suggest the so-called Single Tree > Theory: > >> The idea that in fact there weren't two individual trees involved, but > >> rather only one tree that committed both assassinations, alone. But the > >> crucial causal linkage between the two killings remains elusive. Who > would > >> have a reason to target both of these men? > >> > >> The obvious answer is the powerful "enforcement arm" of the National > Forest > >> Service. Created in the early 50's, the NFS recently had its funding > >> questioned by Bono's House Ways and Means Committee. So much for Bono. > But > >> what quarrel could the NFS have had with Kennedy, a friend of every > >> government program known to man? > >> > >> When asked for a comment, National Forest Service spokesman Bob Woodward > >> responded, "I don't know what the hell you're talking about." > >> > >> Indeed. > ----------------------------------------------------------- > > >> Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm > >> > >> Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines > >> > >> Early birds may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese > >> > >> I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met > >> > >> I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol > >> > >> I intend to live forever - so far, so good > >> > >> If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > >> > >> Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of > >> > >> Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have > >> > >> Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. > >> > >> The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. > >> > >> When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. > >> > >> Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. > >> > >> Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ... > >> > >> If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked > >>something. > >> > >> Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. > >> > >> Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. > >> > >> When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. > >> > >> Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. > >> > >> If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? > >> > >> Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? > >> > >> What happens if you get scared half to death twice? > >> > >> Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. > >> > >> I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. > >> > >> I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. > >> > >> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. > >> > >> Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. > >> > >> Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. > >> > >> Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? > >> > >> For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. > >> > >> OK, so what's the speed of dark? > >> > >> Black holes are where God divided by zero. > >> > >> All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. > >> ----------------------------------------------------------------- > Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky? > A: He couldn't give her a pink slip without asking her to try it on > first. > > Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common? > A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. > > Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex? > A: When Hillary is out of town. > > Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic? > A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic. > > Q: How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House? > A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride. > > President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see > one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the > President. "It's this Abortion Bill Mr. President, what do you want > to do about it?" the aide replies. "Just go ahead and pay it." > responds the President. > > So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. > Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer > Flowers a couple of times....but he didn't come. > > Q. What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude? > A: "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes." > > Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? > A: He wants to be on top. > > Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? > A: He married her. > > Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has > urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside the White > House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting > samples from every member of the White House staff and find the > culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. > President, I have good news and bad news," he says. "The good news > is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton > demands. After a slight pause, the director replies, "Sir, the > handwriting belongs to your wife!" > > Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual > appetite? > A: It Takes A Village! > > President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the > corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill > replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This > exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each > day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. > President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five > Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with > Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a > terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the > hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and > yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five > Bucks!" > > Q: How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf? > A: He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods. > > Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat? > A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented. > > "One thing's for sure about Clinton... > He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!" > > Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo? > A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time. > > Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin? > A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor. > > Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? > A: A dead girlfriend. > > Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier? > A: To promote off-shore drilling. > > Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play? > A: Swallow the leader > > Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? > A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. > > --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > > > Gentlemen: > > > > I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill that I owe you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago and you don't understand why it hasn't. I'll enlighten you. > > > > In 1907 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1909 I bought an ox team, a > timer > > cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine taster, a colt revolver and four > > razorback hogs, all on credit. > > > > In 1910 the saw mill burned down and didn't leave a damned thing. One of the > > ponies died and the other I loaned to a SOB, who starved him to death. > > > > In 1914 my father died and my mother was hanged for horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to pay the bill of $88.88 to keep the little bastard from becoming a relative of mine. > > > > In 1921 my son got the mumps and they went down on him and the doctor had > > to castrate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat toppled over and I lost the biggest damned catfish you ever saw and on of my sons drowned, not the one who was castrated. > > > > In 1924 my wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan and left me with > three small children as souveniers . I married the hired girl to cut down the expenses and income tax. > > > > I had trouble getting her to reach a climax and the doctor said to try creating some excitement just as she was beginning to come. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed the shotgun out the window and pulled the trigger. > > > > Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damed cow I ever had, my wife shit all over the bed and some stranger ran out of the closet with his hands up. > > > > In 1930 I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was a Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. After that all I did was wind my > watch and piss. The next year trouble really started. My wife caught the clap from the ice-man, my son wiped his ass with a corn cob that had rat > poison on it and someone shot the nuts off my best bull. > > > > In 1938 I decided to go into businesses on my own. I ordered six bee > hives > > from Sears and Roebuck and bought a swarm of bees and a bee queen all on > > credit. The queen bee died so I ordered another one . She turned out to a whore and started running around with a horsefly and the honey started tasting like horseshit and I couldn't sell it. > > > > So now gentlemen, you say if I don't pay you will cause me trouble. Right now if it cost 2 cents to take a shit I'd just have to puke. Gettin money out of me would like trying to poke butter up a wild cat's ass wit a hot poker, but your're welcome to try.. > > TRULY, > > > > U.R. STUCK > > > > > > > TOMMY THOMPSON > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > > APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP > * Submitted by John Boyance > ---------------------------------------- > Greetings prospective White House interns! > This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing > America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the > "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting > one yet! > > Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this > demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: > > * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political > scene of the hottest city in the world! > * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers ! > * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you! > * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! > > Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from > a former intern: > > "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering > phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. .. .. > Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." > * M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. > > As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, > hot debates and touchy national issues. > > Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to > the White House at president@whitehouse.gov > > Name: > Hometown: > Sex: F__ Age: > Measurements: (required for medical purposes) How many beers it takes > to get you... > ...Giggly: > ...Drunk: > ..Hot: > ..To lie to a federal prosecutor: > > Quick quiz: > You've always considered the White House: > a) a monument to democracy > b) the place where great leaders meet > c) vaguely erotic > d) extremely erotic > > Hillary Clinton is a(n): > a) model wife and mother > b) icon of late 20th century femininity > c) an obstacle > d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world > > You've always wanted to know more about the President's: > a) MidEast policies > b) childhood in Hope, Ark > c) romper room > d) "monument to democracy" > > My social life as an intern would likely consist of: > a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns > b) reading, study > c) late nights working at the White House > d) late nights working the White House > > Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. > Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call > soon. > > Uncle Sam (and Uncle Bill) wants you. > *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might > be interested in this program. The White House is an equal > opportunity abuser. > > > > > ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > > > > A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. > > > He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a > > > young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady > > > in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. > > > > > > He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man > > > looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" > > > > > > "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. > > > > > > "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading > > > a magazine." > > > > > > Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer > > > then asked, "And what is she doing?" > > > > > > The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does > > > it look like? She's knitting." > > > > > > "And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. > > > > > > "I'm nineteen," he replied. > > > > > > "And how old is she?" asked the officer. > > > > > > The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about > > > twelve minutes she'll be eighteen." > > >--------------------------------------------------------- > > > Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About halfway there, > > > it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze! > > > > > > "Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. > > > > > > "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest , and bring > > > me my red shirt." The first mate did so. > > > > > > Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So > > > inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without > > > casualties. > > > > > > A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate > > > sloops! > > > > > > "Captain, captain, what should we do?" > > > > > > "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" > > > > > > The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed > > > to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, > > > the survivors had a great celebration. The first mate asked the captain the > > > secret of his bright red shirt. > > > > > > "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show , and the > > > crew continues to fight without fear." > > > > > > A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout > > > cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were approaching! > > > > > > "Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate > > > looked expectantly at the miracle worker. > > > > > > Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown > > > pants!" .................................................................. > > > > > > A cop pulls over a man for speeding and running a red light. The cop says "Do > > > you know that you were speeding?" > > > > > > The fellow says "No sir, I was not speeding." > > > > > > Just then his wife leans over and says "Actually you were going 90 mph." > > > > > > The cop says "Do you know that you ran a red light?" > > > > > > The fellow replies "No sir, I think the light was yellow." > > > > > > His wife leans over and says "That light was red well before we entered the > > > intersection." > > > > > > The cop asks "Do you two always fight this much?" > > > > > > And the wife says ..."Only when he's drunk." ........................................................... > > > Law Firms and their Specialities > > > > > > Torts (plaintiffs) Poor, Weiner, Lauder & Lauder > > > Torts (defendants) Billings, Daly & Dunnings > > > Tax law Dewey, Cheatem & Howe > > > Appellate briefs Doolittle & Waite > > > Shareholder suits Harris, Pester & Noyes > > > Discrimination Black, Brown, Olde & Gaye > > > Criminal defense Meany, deGenera, Ripov & Zonovovich > > > Divorce Took, Haff & Moore > > > Corporate litigation Paper, Schroedinger & Losinger > > > Intellectual property Brain, Storm & Quarrels > > > Environmental Aulk, Richards, Bigg & Small > > > Bankruptcy Stone, Broque & Stiffel-Lott ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools down began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One said to the other,"That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe??" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak??" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. Back to his friend he said, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver always works." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to monstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready -" "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now, $15,000. Take it or leave it. " Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK" , he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away .. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries." ------------------------------------------------------------------ > > > Only in America do the jokes about dumb politicians outstrip time and > tide, > > any and all Polish jokes, and the 4th Estate. We do not invent or spread > > rumors, but rather we highlight here what's already out there on the > > "net." Thank you Dan, and others. > > > > > > Whats the diff between the Bill Clinton and the Titanic? There are firm > > statitics on how many women went down on the Titanic. > > > > The new game at the White House, during the lunch break? Swallow the > > leader... > > > > The new-old defense? I did not inhale... I did not impale. > > > > A lot of the press will not go along with Ms. Welinsky's story. They > just > > can't swallow it. > > > > It isn't Bill's fault. He's a bit hard of hearing and he always thought > > they were calling his place of work the ORAL OFFICE. > > > > The next influx of interns won't have to worry about their persons. > That's > > what Buddy's are for... > > > > Ms. Welinsky can't say anything about what happened-- she's under a gag > > order... > > > > However, she did change her story mainly because Clinton finally left a > bad > > taste in her mouth. > > > > Why won't the DNA tests prove anything conclusively about Bill Clinton's > > sexual relations with Ms. Welinsky? Because in Arkansas, everyone has > the > > same DNA... > > > > I am sure there is more to come.... ooops -------------------------------------------------------------------- The other day when Arifat was sitting next to Clinton and he heard the reporters asking about the sex scandle in the White House Arifat said: "Mr. President can I make a suggestion to you?" Clinton said "Sure." Arafat: "Goats do not Talk!" ========================================================= Did you know that Hillary Clinton just wrote a new book? It's titled, "It Takes a Village to Satisfy My Husband" ======================================================== 1.) What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? Only 1500 went down on the Titanic. 2.) What's the new game they're playing in the White House? Swallow the Leader. 3.) What does Monica Lewinsky have on her Resume? "Sat on the Presidential Staff" 4.) In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again" 5) What's the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal? Fornigate. ======================================================== President Clinton was out jogging one day, and managed to ditch his Secret Service bodyguards. Deciding to use the opportunity to get some advice, he ran over to the Washington Monument, and stood, looking up, at it's magnificent structure. "George," he said. "Listen, you gotta help me. The country is in real trouble, and I don't know what to do. Please, give me some advice." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a ray of light came down and surrounded Bill Clinton. Then he heard a voice, clearly that of the first President, say: "Read the Constitution!" Then the light vanished and the clouds returned. "The Constitution?" Clinton said. "Read the Constitution? It can't be in there. I'd better ask someone else for help." Jogging off, he soon came to the Jefferson Memorial. He stood outside it, looking at the dome and said: "Tom, please, I need help. Our Republic is in trouble, and I need advice." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a ray of light came down and surrounded Bill Clinton. Then he heard a voice, clearly that of the author of the Declaration of Independence, say: "Read the Bill of Rights!" Then the light vanished and the clouds returned. The Bill of Rights?" Clinton exclaimed. "Damn, there's of few of those I could do without! I guess I'll have to ask someone else." Within minutes, Clinton had made it to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Standing there, he looked at the stone statute of the great man, and once again asked for help. "Abe, you're my last hope. The country is in real trouble. What can I do to help the country?" Suddenly, the clouds parted and a ray of light came down and surrounded Bill Clinton. Then he heard a voice, which could only come from the Great Emancipator say: "Why don't you take in a play?" ============================================================= Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days. Rule # 2 If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way. Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest, nor ours, to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together. Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are? Rule # 6 Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both. Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs. Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we. Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. Rule # 11 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary. Rule # 12 Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ > Problem: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. > Solution: Glass empty. > Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > Problem: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. > Solution: You have fallen over backwards. > Action: Have yourself lashed to the bar. > > Problem: Mouth contains cigarette butts. > Solution: You have fallen forward. > Action: See above. > > Problem: Beer tasteless, front of shirt is wet. > Solution: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face. > Action: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. > > Problem: Feet cold and wet. > Solution: Glass being held at incorrect angle. > Action: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. > > Problem: Feet warm and wet. > Solution: Improper bladder control. > Action: Stand next to nearest dog and complain about its house training. > > Problem: Floor blurred. > Solution: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. > Action: Get someone to buy you another beer. > > Problem: Floor moving. > Solution: You are being carried out. > Action: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. > > Problem: Room seems unusually dark. > Solution: Bar has closed. > Action: Confirm home address with bartender. > > Problem: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. > Solution: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. > Action: Say, "Excuse me." to taxi driver. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs > the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a > head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can , with love > and compassion. > After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to > the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the > biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on > curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes > his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; > then bursts into a whoop of joy. > The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take > another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. > Swoooop! > Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs > his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another drink"! > The bartender ignores the whole affair. > By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, > grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. > The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new > legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the > front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar > falls silent. > The father moans in grief. > The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. > The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so > cold and callous?" > The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is. Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over- tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND This is from an actual trial in the UK. A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant . She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." The case was dismissed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- eeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight."I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty. "No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb. I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb. "No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan. "I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan. "No, you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty. Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time. Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming. "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so." In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty. "I am the smallest person in the world. Merlin agrees." In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally, he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton" -------------------------------------------------------------------- > HOG FOR SALE > > There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle.He had always > wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the > newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful > classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to > find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This > bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in > such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple, just make > sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, that you rub vaseline > on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the > bike, I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it ." and he > hands the new owner an old tube of vaseline, and he puts it in his pocket. > > The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a proud and happy biker. He takes the > bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic! (being a harley fan too) > That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. > since, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a > big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her > boyfriend's arm: "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my > parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact , the > person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he > says. In they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of > the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge > stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he > looks there are dirty dishes, that must have been there for years. They sit > down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the > boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, > grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. > Of course, no one says a word. "Her mom's kinda cute," he thinks. So he grabs > his girlfriend's mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. > Again no one says a word. Then, the boy friend notices it starting to rain, he > better take care of the new motorcycle. He pulls the tube of vaseline from his > pocket. The father jumps up out of his chair and shouts: > > "All right, I'll do the dishes!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- > > An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the > > > meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely > the > > > housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder > > > if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper > > > than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly > > > priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my > > > relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." > > > > > > About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, > > > "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been > > > unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't > > > suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll > > > write > > > him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: > > > "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy > > > ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN"T take it. But the fact > > > remains that one has been missing ever since you were here." > > > > > > Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read: > > > "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, > > > and I'm not saying that you DON"T sleep with your housekeeper. But the > > > fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have > > > found the gravy ladle by now." > ----------------------------------------------------------------------- > > >A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at > > >home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't > > >be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. > > > > > >She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. > > >She went to the owner of > > >the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. > > > > > >Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more > > >expensive, she agreed to buy it. > > >The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that > > >this bird used to live in a > > >house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff." > > > > > >The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She > > >said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and > > >she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and > > >waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then > > >at her, and said, "New house, new madam." > > > > > >The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's > > >not so bad." > > > > > >A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from > > >school. When they > > >inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, > > >new prostitutes." > > > > > >The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to > > >laugh about the situation. > > > > > >A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The > > >bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes ; > > >same old faces. Hi Mark!" --------------------------------------------------------------------- > > >It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the > > >admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, > > >you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go > > >into effect at noon the following day. > > > > > >So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. > > > > > >The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly asked the > > >man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you > > >died." > > > > > >"No problem.", said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my > > >wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, > > >she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with > > >him. So today I was going to come home, too, and catch them. > > > > > >Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this > > >guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire > > >apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! > > > > > >Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the > > >balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his > > >fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well I > > >ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the > > >ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke > > >his fall, and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more so in a rage > > >I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to > > >throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the > > >refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved > > >it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The > > >excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a > > >heart attack and died almost instantly." > > > > > > The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy did > > >have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK , sir > > >Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven.", and let him in. > > > > > > A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK. Here's the rule. Before > > >I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died." > > > > > > "Sure thing.", the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I > > >was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily > > >excercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell > > > over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my > > >fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden > > >this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and > > >stomping on my fingers! Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and > > >bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. > > >As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in > > >excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, > > >over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" > > > > > > The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his > > >story. "I could get used to this new policy", he thinks to himself. > > >"Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven ." > > >and he lets the man enter. > > > > > > A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell > > >me about the day you died.", said the angel. "OK. Picture this.", says > > >the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- > > Abstract: Mouse Balls available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) > > Mouse ball are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to > operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball > replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, > replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly > trained personnel. > Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the > underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than > foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon > manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the > opo-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off > method. Mouse ball are not usually static sensitive, However, > excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. > Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used > immediately. > It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for > maintaining optimum customer satisfaction; and that any customer > missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these > necessary items. > To reorder, specify on the following: > P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls > P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Balls. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Leaving Work Early There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy and a Jewish guy. They all worked together at a factory. Every day they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Italian guy goes home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Mice Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then makeoff with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I dont have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat." -------------------------------------------------------------------- FROGGY A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet , but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE BOAT RIDE A depressed young woman was so desperate, that she decided to take her own life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor saw her tears, took pity on her, and said,"Look, you have a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he puts his arm around her and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes and thought what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love all night. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, he's taking me to Europe." "Europe, madam?" said the captain, "This is the Staten Island Ferry, " --------------------------------------------------------------------- Bicycle A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes beserk and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews : Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough." Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Politics This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ DILBERT'S Laws of Work If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a stupid fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. **If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.** You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RESEARCH FOR THE INNOCENT WOMAN The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e... relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below. Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact. Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible. Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway. Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready. Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift. Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift. Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Pharmacist A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, " I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, " You never told me that you were such a religious person. " He leans over to her and whispers, " You never told me that your father is a pharmacist." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXCUSES FOR SLEEPING ON THE JOB It's okay...I'm still billing the client. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last management course you sent me to. I was working smarter, not harder. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people ! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance. I'm in the management training program I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) from the last mandatory seminar I had to attend. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work! "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?" Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem. The coffee machine is broken.... Someone must've put decafe in the wrong pot. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off! It worked well for Reagan, didn't it? I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the Walton's) Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic! Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands. The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot. I thought you (boss) were gone for the day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ South of the Border A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?" .... An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." , while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?" .................................................. Two guys were close friends and one day one of them told the other that their sex life had become so monotone and offered to change spouses for a day. The other one accepted the offer. That night in bed, first one said to his new spouse, "What do you think our wives are doing now?" South of the Border A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence". The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence." The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?" .... An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says. "Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated. "NO! Get away from me!" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered. She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute." She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." , while he was caressing them. Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?" .................................................. Two guys were close friends and one day one of them told the other that their sex life had become so monotone and offered to change spouses for a day. The other one accepted the offer. That night in bed, first one said to his new spouse, "What do you think our wives are doing now?" `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Amazon An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!." There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed." ............................. The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical checkup. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order" , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest. "What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law". Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?" "Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!" ..................................... Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said " I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday-she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped"? His buddy said "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled". So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said "Well? Did you take my suggestion?". "Yes, I did" said the fellow. "Did she like it?" His buddy asked. "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sex Life An old Australian woman gets on a bus and sits down. She immediately overhears two Italian men seated near her talking to one another. The one Italian man in particular was telling the other a story. He says "First Emma come. Dena I come. Den, da two asses, de come together. Den I come again. Den, de two asses come together again. Den I come, pee twice, Den I come again." The woman, in outright disgust, tapped the man on the shoulder and stated "Sir, in this country we do not speak publicly about our sex lives". The Italian man replied "lady, I no speak about my sex life, I tella my friend how to spell Mississippi." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Canadians Now you have to think like a Canadian while reading this!! And one who is NOT French-Canadian!!! A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "GOOD TRADE!!!." ---- An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?" "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the nurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?" ---- Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back. ---- In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. ---- One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" ---- A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" ---- On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18, son!" ---- An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, these are *REAL*!) 1. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cuz I'm Kissing You Goodbye 2. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 4. How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 5. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 7. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 9. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell 10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 11. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 12. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 13. If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 14. Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 15. My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 16. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 17. Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 18. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 19. Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 20. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out 21. When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 22. You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 23. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Subject: Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10 so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf." Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!" Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years." And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?" He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But how do you putt", says Nicklaus. "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch." Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie Wonder: "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only ever play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole. " Nicklaus thinks about it and says "O.K. I am game for that, when would you like to play." Stevie Wonder turns around and says "I don't mind, any night suits me." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXCUSES FOR DRINKING I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. --Frank Sinatra The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. --William Butler Yeats An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. --For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemingway You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. --Anonymous No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. --G.K. Chesterton Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella Buy a man a drink, he drinks for a night. Teach a man to drink, he drinks for a lifetime. --Anonymous Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. --Anonymous I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. --Anonymous Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply Sir, you are drunk. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning I'll be sober. --His reply If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --Anonymous I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? ---Anonymous ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Adultery, etc. Then there's the one about the old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no- one had told the new priest about the code word. But the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week." ----------------- An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." -------------------- A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Situation A young man had decided to do some DIY... ...while his girlfriend was out so he varnished the toilet seat. When his sweetheart returned, she went straight into the loo, dropped her jeans and panties and sat down to allow the passage of nature. After the event, she tried to stand but was, by now, stuck fast. Her boyfriend, hearing the commotion came running in and saw her sitting there, naked from the waist down. Unable to remove her from the seat, he reluctantly called the Fire Brigade. As they arrived, the boyfriend passed the girl an old cowboy hat that was lying around. She placed it on her lap to cover her modesty. The fireman came into the room, took a good look at the situation, turned to the boyfriend and said, "I can save the girl, but I think the cowboy's a goner." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Trade A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?" The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal." The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. Pulling on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over, "I can't get this mower to start." The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. .... A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers . The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women. The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job." Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns. "YAY!! " they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!" "Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down." "Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrive. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor. "What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!" ... The big-rig operator stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.....It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the trucker some miles down the road. "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?" ----------------------------- I like the story of the woman who had an artist paint a portrait of her covered with jewels. Her explanation: "If I die and my husband remarries, I want his next wife to go crazy looking for the jewels." .. She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you." .. Stewardess: I'm sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London . Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf! .. A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!" .. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!). Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters. Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes. Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS" : - The Engagement Ring - The Wedding Ring - The Suffe-Ring - The Endu-Ring Married life is full of excitement and frustration : - In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. - In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. - In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen. Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them get MARRIED! There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE! There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!" Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defence. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man." Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it." It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend . The woman replied, " A multimillionaire". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE DOG BITE One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill, "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." ==================================================================== Beer components defined... Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned. ================================================================== CLINTON Q&A Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? A His face Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"? A "Trust me." Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? A Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. A One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs. Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow? A By the wise look in the eyes. Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton? A Eats Waffles Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth? A Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people! Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did? A A dead girlfriend. Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet? A They were dating the same girl in high school. Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one. Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A Neither one is very bright. ========================================================================= Noah's Ark... If it happened in 2000 And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. .... And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. "Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. "Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed. The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully. "No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." ======================================================================== Mr. Gorilla It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they are walking through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He's obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that she try lifting her dress up to her thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Quickly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says: "Now, tell HIM you have a headache..." ======================================================================== YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES Include Your Children when Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ============================================================= The Island There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded: * 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman * 2 French men and 1 French woman * 2 German men and 1 German woman * 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman * 2 English men and 1 English woman * 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman * 2 Norwegian men and 1 Norwegian woman * 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.... * The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman * The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois" * The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman * The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them * The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman * The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the woman and started swimming. * The two Norwegian men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low. * The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any... ================================================================= It's a dog eat dog world The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobodycould get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." ====================================================================== Bungee Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?" =================================================================== A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Massachusetts resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol,shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from,we have plenty of tequila." The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced,"Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!" The Massachusetts resident drained his bottle of Sam Adam's Ale, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles --- and we have too many fucking New Yorkers." ================================================================== Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence... With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts... And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy... Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps... Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..." And for the Main Course... A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs. The Getaway A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas "Kwik Shop", and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. Have I Got a Deal for You! More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available." Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars... Too Well-Educated In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..." Did I Say That?! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Ouch, That Smarts! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in hisFruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers in custody... Are We Not Communicating? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what he uses for a knife? ===================================================================== ANSWERING MACHINE TAPES Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you. **************************************************************** Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I 've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. **************************************************************** Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, its you. **************************************************************** Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. **************************************************************** (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in (sigh) Oh no, he's out (aah) Yes, he's in again, (ooh) No he's out (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he... comes... =================================================================== Blonde Easter Humor Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankfull..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later betrayed and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "And every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." ================================================================ HONEY A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spit the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" ----------------------------------------------------- The reason it's always so difficult for this president to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories. --Sam Donaldson If the president could convince every woman in America that the Bible says oral sex is not adultery, he'd even have my vote. --Newt Gingrich What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did the same thing. --Kenneth Starr The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony to the entire Grand Jury. --Monica Lewinsky Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a TV sportscaster? --Marv Albert The president should promise to spend the rest of his life trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern. --OJ Simpson If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never get any of my own work done. --Vernon Jordan The president should take up skiing. --Al Gore If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker. --Saddam Hussein Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means making sure the door is locked. --George Stephanopoulos In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to go out and win one for the zipper. --Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright ==================================================================== Thoughts for the week... "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." * Mariah Carey. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever , but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." * Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest: (so do you think she won with an answer like that???) "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." * Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." * David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." * Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign (she and Miss Alabama should go shopping) "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." * Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." * Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C. Great place to live, huh? "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976." * Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself." * Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator" "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe." * Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted." * Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." * Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." * Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series ------------------------------------------------------------------- One morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters of the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown, and his name is Matt. After breakfast, the president took Chelsea aside, "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women alot. Matt is actually your half brother and I'm afraid you can't marry him. Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him!" Again her father took her aside and broke the sad news, "Robert is your half-brother, too." Chelsea was furious! She finally decides to talk to her mother. "Dad has done so much harm. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother. I guess I'll never get married," she complained. Hillary just shook her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, Dear. He's not really your father". ================================================================= An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" ================================================================= A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" And Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage". The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you". Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said, "Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block". The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?" The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there's another dog pushing her home. ================================================================= More from the shallow end of the gene pool: A true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause". Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away ." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." "....... Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer." =================================================================== FLYING HUMOR All of the following are said to be true stories-you decide! ------------------------------------------------ November 22, 1996 - Any More Complaints? The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth." ----------------------------------------------- November 15, 1996 - What the...?! PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem; go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation. ------------------------------------------------ November 8, 1996 - Which Exit Did You Say That Was? A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high... San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport." ------------------------------------------------ September 6, 1996 - Mmmm-mmm, Good! Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ------------------------------------------------ June 28, 1996 - No, That's not what I Said! O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329, traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight." =================================================================== What Not to Name a Dog Everyone who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot." I call mine "Sex." Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." He said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition he ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking around. I told him I was going to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. I said, "You don't understand, I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too." Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex." ================================================================== A true story out of San Francisco: It seems a man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "Ok" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. ============== Also from San Francisco: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. ================= Forty-five year old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. =================== Drug possession defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to compose himself. ==================== Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of marijuana. They were clever, but not bright. They misspelled the name of the gas company on the side of the truck. =================== Three sons of a Yiddishe Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother. AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother." MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse." Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother. AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas. But DAVID, she said, THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS *** The phone rings at KGB headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this KGB?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood." "This will be noted." Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and leave. The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house. "Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?" "Yes." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yes, they did." "Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed." *** After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that that was enough. They could not afford a larger double-wide. So, the husband went to his doctor, who also treated mules, and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small fireworks), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man ent home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. *** A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest. A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. "I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer. A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen Senators waiting on the stoop. *** A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow,barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can just use your other hand to write." *** God created the donkey and said to him "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years. You will be a donkey. The donkey answered "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish. God created the dog and said to him "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. The dog answered ""Sir, to live 25 years is too much, give me only l0 years. God granted his wish. God created the monkey and said to him "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. The monkey answered "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years. God granted his wish. Finally God created man and said to him " You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years. Man responded "Sir, I will be man but to live 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted man's wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back... . Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse the grandchildren... *** A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take and eat for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry." 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not : Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest St. Taffy's. *** Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. Saint Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. Saint Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..." "Wrong!" replies Saint Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question. The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." Saint Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, and tells her she is wrong, then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third blonde smiles confidently, looks Saint Peter in the eye and says; "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says Saint Peter incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." Saint Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter." *** 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember) 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho. ====================================================================== Three women escaped from prison....one was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blond. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn, so they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three gunnysacks and decided to put them over their heads for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw. The deputy told him just three gunnysacks. The sheriff told him to find out what was in them.....so the deputy kicked the first bag, which had the redhead in it......and she went "Bow-wow" so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in the first one. Then he kicked the one with the brunette in it and she went "Meow." The deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in the second one. Then he kicked the one with the blond in it and there was no sound at all, so he kicked it again and the blond said "Potatoes." ==================================================================== PHONE CALL TO GOD The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy looking phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. What is the phone for?" he asks the Pontiff. "It's my direct line to the Lord." he replies. The Rabbi is skeptical and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out and indeed he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says "Thank you very much. This is great, but listen, I want to pay for my phone charges." The Pope of course refuses but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally the Pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "All right. It comes up to 100,000 lira. ($56) The Rabbi gladly hands over the money. A few months later the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he notices an identical looking phone and soon discovers it's also a direct line to God. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the phone. The Chief Rabbi hands him the phone and the Pope chats away. After hanging up the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. The Chief Rabbi of course refuses. After much insisting the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the counter and says "One shekel fifty." ($ 0.42) The Pope, surprised, asks "why so inexpensive?" The Rabbi smiles and says: "It's a local call." --------------------------------------- TRYING TO QUIT Clinton was walking around the white house with a pair of ladies panties on his arm. Everyone was looking at him and wondering what he was doing now. After about an hour one guy got brave enough to ask him what he was doing with the pair of ladies panties on his arm and Clinton replied: "It's the patch, I'm trying to quit." -------------------------------------- CLINTON'S CLOCK One day the President was sitting with his cabinet when who should sit next to him but a homely intern. The President asked her to come to the oval office to see his clock, to which she replied; "Oh! no Mr. President, I couldn't do that!" He again approached her and said,"I want you to see my clock, it won't take long". She finally agrees and they headed over to the oval office. Once inside the President unzips his pants and pulls out his penis, to which the intern exclaims, "that's not a clock, that's a cock!" The President smiled at her and said, "as soon as you put two hands and a face around it, it will be!" -------------------------------------- ANOTHER GOLF JOKE A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened. He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail and asked, "Does this look like yours?" That was the last thing he could remember. -------------------------------------- GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS One Sunday morning Bill burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Sue. After dinner, Bill's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Sue is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Bill was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Bill. I'm awfully sorry about this." Bill was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father." -------------------------------------- YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney. "I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed. A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it." As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them." The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?" The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?" "I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!" -------------------------------------- THE FISHING BOAT Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel terrible". Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the middle". The old woman fainted. -------------------------------------- ACRONYMS A few people are sitting at a bar and a guy says:"Hi, my name is Larry and I'm a S.N.A.G." Someone asks "what's a snag?" He replies: "That means I'm a Single, New Age Guy." Another guy says: "My name is Gary and I'm a D.I.N.K." So the girl next to him asks "And what does that stand for?" He explains, "That stands for Double Income, No Kids." A lady at the far end of the bar says: "That's nice, my name is Gertrude and I'm a W.I.F.E." Larry asks, what's that? She replies, "That means "Wash, Iron. Fuck, Etc." ------------------------------------- SNAPPY WOMEN COMEBACKS Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Woman: "Yep, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is that seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "Wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't even know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not enter." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: "Unfertililzed." Man: "Hey, come on. We're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah, let's pick up some chicks." Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Oh, you're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing!" Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good, let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" ----------------------------------------- THE MIT GRADUATE Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "and what starting salary were you looking for?" The young engineer said: "In the neighborhood of about $125,000 a year depending on the benefits package." To which the interviewer said: "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said: "Wow, are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied "Yeah, but you started it!" ----------------------------------------- EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE My boss asked me for a letter describing my partner Bob Smith, and this is what I wrote: 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13. executed as soon as possible. S.D. - Project Leader Shortly afterward I sent the following follow-up note: That bastard Bob was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5, etc.) for my true assessment. Regards, S.D. ----------------------------------------- IT'S DARK IN HERE... A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet too. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you DO want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "Ok... How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that with me in here!" replies the priest. -------------------------------------- TOP 10 THINGS TO SAY TO WAKE UP YOUR SHRINK (Thanks to Diane E.) 10. "Enough about depression, let's talk about my abduction by space aliens" 9. "Did Luke and Laura find the "Ice Princess" yet? 8. "Wanna go out for some beers?" 7. "I know you didn't ask for one, but I brought you a stool sample." 6. "Boy, that Paxil makes me sleepy, I've had to cut back to one quart of vodka a day." 5. "I've been getting these intense cravings for human blood, is that normal?" 4. "You know, that Jeffery Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy." 3. "While I'm here, would you mind having a look at my hemorrhoids?" 2. "Is that a hairpiece?" And the Number One Thing to Say to Wake Up Your Shrink... 1. "Is that diploma real?" -------------------------------------- TOP 10 RESOLUTIONS YOU WON'T KEEP IN 1998 10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound-in, just to get another 1.44MB disk. 9. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate. 8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my e-mail. 6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind. 4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.* 3. I resolve to back up my new 6GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... 2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net. And the Number One Resolution You Won't Keep in 1998... 1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out. 0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support." -1. I will read the manual. -2. I will think of a password other than "password." -3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items. --------------------------------- TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR 10. Lately she sits at the computer naked 9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette 8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive 7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up 6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand 5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software" 4. Lipstick on the mouse 3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!" 2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt And the Number One Sign Your Spouse May Be Having an Online Affair 1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear ------------------------------------------ TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER 10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hexadecimal. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net." 4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons. 2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President." And the Number One Sign Your Co-Worker is a Computer Hacker... 1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!" -------------------------------------- 25 OF THE WORST/BEST COUNTRY WESTERN TITLES 1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye 3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? 6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 7. I Got In At 2 With A "10" And Woke Up At 10 With A "2" 8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 12. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 16. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You 17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 22. Please Bypass This Heart 23. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 24. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 25. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly ---------------------------------------- FROG FUTURES A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and was informed, "You are going to meet a beautiful young woman who will want to know everything about you." The frog said, "That's great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," replied the psychic, "Next term--in her biology class." --------------------------------------- THREE BAD MICE Three mice are sitting and drinking in a mouse bar. The first mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad mouse. Why when I want cheese I go find a trap and sit on the spring while I eat. I am one bad mouse." The second mouse knocked back his drink and said, "I'm one bad mouse. Why I chop up D-Con with a razor blade and sniff it up my nose, just for the high it gives me. I am one bad mouse." The third mouse knocked back his drink, got off his bar stool and headed for the door. The first two mice asked, "Hey, where you going?" The third mouse said, "Home, to screw the cat!" --------------------------------------- THE CHICKEN AND THE EGG The chicken and the egg are lying in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face, while the egg is frowining and looking a tad put out. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question." ----------------------------------- ONE CLEVER CANINE A butcher was very busy working. He noticed a dog in his shop and shooed him away. Later, he noticed the dog was back again. He walked over to the dog, and saw he had a note in his mouth. The butcher took the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please." The butcher looked, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. The butcher took the money, put the sausages and lamb in a bag, and placed it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decided to close up shop and follow the dog. Off they went. The dog walked down the street and came to a crossing. The dog put down the bag, jumped up and pressed the crossing button. He patiently waited, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. When they did, he walked across the road; the butcher followed. The dog then came to a bus stop, and began looking at the timetable. The butcher was in awe at this stage. The dog checked out the times, and sat on one of the seats to wait for the bus. When a bus came, the dog walked to the front of the bus, looked at the number, and went back to his seat. Another bus came. Again the dog looked at the number, saw it was the right bus, and boarded. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, followed him onto the bus. The bus traveled thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog got up, moved to the front of the bus, stood on his hind legs, and pushed the button to stop the bus. The dog got off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher followed. They walked down the road, and the dog approached a house. He walked up the path, and dropped the groceries on the step. He then walked back down the path, took a big run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door. He went back down the path, took another run, and threw himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog went back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walked along the perimeter of the garden. He got to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walked back, jumped off the wall, and waited at the door. The butcher watched as a big guy opened the door, and started scolding the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher ran up and stopped the guy, "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius! He could be on TV; he's unbelievably clever!" The owner responded, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" ------------------------------------ DRESSING FOR THE AUDIT A man, called to an audit by the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper. "Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right upto your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get... screwed." ========================================================================= Octopus A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him ... so he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus plays better than Jimmi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!", the man says, "can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I get its pajamas off." ================================================================== Genie A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!! The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for. "No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish ... I'd like to give birth to twins." ======================================================================= Just in case you didn't already know; The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. No word in the English language rhymes with month. The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. Roger Ebert is the only film critic to have ever won the Pulitzer prize. Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. Cat's urine glows under a blacklight. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes. Back in the mid to late 80s, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19 . You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. The most common name in the world is Mohammed. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as competition. The only two days of the year in which there are no North American professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." =================================================================== One Upsmanship A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I Have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team." The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team." To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course." ================================================================= The Traveler The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?" =================================================================== Bad Day One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Granny." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks later,the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!" ================================================================== Martians The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do, " responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love . The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears." ====================================================================== A blonde goes into a communication center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $100. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!! !" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.He then says, "Get on your knees ." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?" =================================================================== #10 There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. # 9 A group of young businessmen were chatting at the bar, and decides to share his recent embarrassment with the others. He tells them that he was booking a plane ticket to Pittsburgh, but he was so preoccupied with the beautiful breasts of the girl to the counter, that instead of saying "I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", he said, "I'd like a picket to Titsburg!" An older guy nearby hears the story and says, "You know, I had a similar experience with my wife this morning. We were sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to say, "Darling, could you please pass the butter" ..But what came out was, "You bitch, you're ruining my fucking life!" # 8 A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." # 7 A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman... They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you." # 6 One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" # 5 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." #4 A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies, "She choked." # 3 A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle". # 2 A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown". The small white guy faints !! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small white guy "What's wrong?" The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown". The small white guy says, "Thank God, I thought you said 'Turn around!" # 1 What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night? "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!" ======================================================================== >********************************************************************** >>A man and his wife are driving home and having an argument about his >>driving. Angry, the man looks at his wife and says "Why did God make you >so >>beautiful but so dumb?" The wife thought for a minute then replied "Well, >he >>made be beautiful so you would love me........and he made me dumb so I >would >>love you. >> >>********************************************************************** >>Three women were about to be executed. One was a brunette, one a redhead, >>and the other a blonde. The guard brought the first woman, the brunette, >>forward and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. >> She said no and the executioner shouted..... >>Ready.....Aim...!! and suddenly the brunette yelled, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone >>was startled and looked around. She escaped. So they brought up the >>redhead and asked if she had any last requests. She said no, and the >>executioner shouted.... Ready... Aim....!! and suddenly the redhead >>yelled....."TORNADO!" Everyone was startled and looked around. She escaped. >>Well, by now, the blonde had it all figured out. They brought her forward >>and the executioner asked if she had any last requests. She said no and the >>executioner shouted......Ready....Aim...!! and the blonde yelled, "FIRE!" >>********************************************************************** A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife. "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" "There are three types." replies the clerk, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?" The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type suppports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills." ************************** A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells: "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies "BITCH." They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. ********************** OUR JOB IS LOUSY, right? So as a public service, I present the first installment of an occasional series, Jobs Even Worse Than Yours: The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers (FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!), including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove. Now stop bitching and get back to work. ******************* ......we have a choice ?? A bunch of preachers are having a meeting in the rectory of a Catholic priest. Just as they're silently tuning up for some heavy orations, the priest offers all of them a whiskey to ease tensions and get the smell of religious napalm out of the air. "Don't mind if I do, thanks," says the Methodist vicar, who slugs down three fingers of Wild Turkey. "And you?" asks the priest of the born-again minister. "What?" the born-again shouts indignantly. "Drink alcohol? Why, I'd rather debauch in a whorehouse!" At this the Methodist spits his whisky back into the glass and hollers, "Whoa! You mean we get a choice?" ========================================================================== Contest Requirements: To use the names Lewinsky and Kaczynsky in a limerick. Contestants' Entries: Entry # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski. Entry # 2 Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a letter given the choice to be blown. Entry # 4 There was a young girl called Lewinsky, Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski When on Kenneth Starr's lap she confided, when trapped, "Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky." ====================== My urologist tells me that there is one danger with the male "potency" drug, Viagra. If you don't swallow the pill very quickly, you may get a stiff neck. =================================================================== Faith: A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for some years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While she made some tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pump organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea his curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it. "Oh, yes" she said enthusiasticaly, "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, because I have faith, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter." -------------------------------------------------------------- Hope: Man enters a retirement home with a suitcase and is spotted by about four old ladies. One rushes over first and and introduces herself: W. You're new here. Are you going to stay? M. Yes, I just got out of jail. W. What were you in for? M. I murdered my wife, cut her up into little pieces and put bits of her in all my neighbors trash. W. Then you're single? -------------------------------------------------------------- Patience : Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents an ancient, and by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope, shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs. This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently, it happened that there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and handed it back as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor...but then the Pope said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?" "Darned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it and find out." "Good idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope. And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ---------- Self Respect: A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful." ========================================================================== There were 3 young kids who noticed that a fire truck that was passing by with it's sirens sounding. On the front seat was a dog. Of course they had their own explanations for this. One of the little girls says, "The dog is there to keep the people away from the fire whilst the firefighters put the fire out." The other little girl says, "No, the dog is there to give the firefighters good luck." And last but not least a little boy firmly ended the discussion by saying, "No, no, no!!! The dog is needed to find the hydrant! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- A true story! Muhammad Ali had boarded for a flight.The flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." She responded, "Superman don't need no plane !" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------- Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. ====================================================================== ACTUAL TRANSCRIPTS FROM COURT CASES: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! ********* Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A. I refuse to answer that question. Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A. No. ********* Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated? ********* Q. Ms, were you cited in the accident? A. Yes Sir, I was so 'cited I peed all over myself!! ********* Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. ********* Q. What is your name? A. Ernestine McDowell. Q. And what is your marital status? A. Fair. ********* Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. ********* Q. And who is this person you are speaking of? A. My ex-widow said it. ********* Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney? A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good. ********* Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A. I will be three months November 8th. Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A. Yes. Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? ********* Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times. ********* Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. ********* Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died? ********* Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words. ********* Q. What happened then? A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q. Did he kill you? A. No. ********* Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work. ********* THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any. ********* Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. ********* Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station? MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. ********* Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. ********* Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff? A. She is my daughter. Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979? ********* Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim? ********* Q. ...and what did he do then? A. He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead? ********* Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q. It was covered? A. Yes, bandaged. Q. Then, later on... what did you see? A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. ********* Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. I could see his head. Q. And where was his head? A. Just above his shoulders. ********* Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! ********* Q. Do you drink when you're on duty? A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. ********* Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial? A. The victim lived. ********* Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there. ********* Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Yes, I have been since early childhood. ********* Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the whole ordeal? A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the ordeal and the naval. ********* Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present? A. It indicates intercourse. Q. Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know. ********* Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you? A. Yes, sir. Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right? ********* Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? A. I have only one, you know. ================================================================== HAVING FUN WITH TELEMARKETERS ------------------------------------ 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems. 3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary. 4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?" 5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. 6. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?" 8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?" 9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger. 10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya." 11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...) ==================================================================== HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A Frenchman, a German and an Englishman are in the pub. The Frenchman says, "Last night I poured Cognac all over my wife, licked it off and made love to her for 3 hours. She rose a foot off of the bed". The German replies, "That's nothing. Last night I smothered my wife with Sauerkraut, ate it all off and made love to her for 4 hours. She rose two feet off of the bed". The Englishman says with a smirk, "You lightweights, last night I got drunk, made love to my wife for two minutes, wiped my tool on her nightie, and called her a bitch. She hit the frigging roof!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the country store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walk around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its asshole. Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?" To which the cowboy reply, "I've got chapped lips." Confused, the woman continued, "Does that make them feel better? "No, but it stops me from licking them!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer was getting worried that his pigs weren't getting pregnant so he called a vet. The vet told him to try artificial insemination. Being stupid he thought this meant impregnating them himself. He loaded the pigs into his truck, drove into the woods, and shagged them all. He called the vet and asked how would he know if they were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud. So the next morning he looked out of the window but all the pigs were standing up.. .. Once again he loaded them onto the truck, took them into the woods and shagged them. To his dismay this happened for a week. One morning he was too knackered and asked his wife to look out of the window... "that's weird" she said "all the pigs are in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn..." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy named John goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and John says, "You know Betsy, you have the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you hundred bucks if I could just see one." Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self, what the hell - a hundred bucks! My husband sees it all the time for free! So she opens her robe and shows one. John promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and John says, "They are soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together." Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives John a nice long look. John thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table, when says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend John came over." Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" ======================================================================= Beware of Dead Frogs One day a twelve year old walks into a prostitute house dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says, "I want one of your women. The madam looks at him and says "don't you think you're a bit young for that?" He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "I want one of your women." The madam says "okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about thirty minutes." He slaps another hundred on the counter and says "she has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says "active herpes." She responds, "okay, have a seat- it'll be about five minutes." Two minutes later, a woman comes out, they go upstairs (dragging this dead frog) and do their deal... As he's leaving, the madam asks him "okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The twelve year old replies... When I get home, I'm going to sleep with the baby-sitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter to her home and sleep with her on the way. Then, when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and do it. And tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will sleep with him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog. /////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Subject: What Am I ? There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see. The blind snake takes hold of the rabbit and says, "Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake, "Come here and I will try to determine what you are." The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says, "You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer." //////////////////////////////////////////////////// Actual Bumper Stickers: We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Horn broken, watch for finger. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. My kid had sex with your honor student. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I love cats ... they taste just like chicken ---- MARDI!! Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Keep honking, I'm reloading. Hang up and drive. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. Snatch a kiss, or vice versa. I don't have to be dead to donate my organ. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. Lord save me from your followers. Guns don't kill people, postal workers do. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Cats...the other white meat. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. Friends don't let Friends drive Naked. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal! Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. He/She who laughs last thinks slowest Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// An airline captain was helping a pretty new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" ====================================================================== Weekend Update A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. "Is this yours?" he asked. She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you like to join me?" He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?" "No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye." ===================================================================== Ole & Lena Lena fell deathly ill, and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" *************************************************************** Ole, Lena, and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish."Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone. Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole." Poof, Lena was gone. Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says, Sven, vat is your vish?" and Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were back here with me". *************************************************************** One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell." The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole." The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles every day? " Ole says, "Yes." The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?" Ole replies, "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay." *************************************************************** Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ole's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ole about it. "Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have aboat. All ya have is your ol John Deere tractor and combine." Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale." *************************************************************** Sven got a new pickup truck ya know. So he called up Ole and says "Ole, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vit me?" "Sure!" says Ole. So Ole went with Sven (Lena came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway). So Ole and Lena sat in the front of the truck and Sven sat in the back. Then they were on the ice when all of a sudden the truck went right through the ice! So even though Ole and Lena are pretty big people they managed to get out of the truck, and they were waiting for Sven at the top when he finally popped up. Ole says, "Sven vat took you so long!" "Vell", says Sven, "It took me a while to figure out how to open da tail gate." *************************************************************** Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing . Ole said, "Let's go a vit furder down stream." So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said, "I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat Ole." "You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!" *************************************************************** Ole and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ole had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ole would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull. The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder. Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" plead Lena. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street." At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word,"the clerk answered. Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK, here's da message: "COMFORTABLE". *************************************************************** Ole to a doctor at Mayo Clinic: "I've got a problem. I have a bowel movement at 6 in da morning every day. " Doctor: "That sounds perfectly normal. Why are you so worried about it?" Ole: "Yah, but I don't vake up until 7." ******************************************************************** Ole and Lena were laying in bed one night when the phone rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up. Lena say's "who was dat Ole ?", Ole says, "hell if I know, some weirdo wants ta know if da coast is clear." ************************************************************************** Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine-----what's that?", she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone." *********************************************************************** A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" Doctor: "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" Priest: "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." Priest: "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" George: "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?" ====================================================================== Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God to Man: "So you would love her." "But God", Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God replies: "So she would love you." ------ God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before creating a masterpiece. ------ Wieners come in packs of 10, buns in packs of 8, beer in packs of 6, condoms in packs of 3. Why can't they get it straight. Men need a calculator just to have a weekend. ------ Diamonds are a girl's best friends. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the dumber sex? ------ Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. ------ Ever notice how many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender? MENstruation MENopause MENtal breakdown GUYnecology HIMmorrhoids ___________ The Farmer's Daughters There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door hold ing his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off "Hi, my name's Chuck ..... and the farmer shot him. ================================================================== A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations." Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left...... Now, look again. .... It now says : "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!" ************************************************************************* THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS ------------------------------------------------ 20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton 19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson 18. Human Rights Advances in China 17. America's Most Popular Lawyers 16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors 15. Detroit - A Travel Guide 14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 12. Easy UNIX 11. Al Gore: The Wild Years 10. Everything Men Know About Women 9. Everything Women Know About Men 8. French Hospitality 7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names 6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel 5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman 2. The Amish Phone Directory And the number one World's Shortest Book: 1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion ========================================================== Accountant Humor What's the definition of an accountant? - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. What's the definition of a good tax accountant? - Someone who has a loophole named after him. When does a person decide to become an accountant? - When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker. What does an accountant use for birth control? - His personality. What's an extroverted accountant? - One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. What's an auditor? - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Why did the auditor cross the road? - Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. There are three kinds of accountants in the world: those who can count and those who can't. How do you drive an accountant completely insane? - Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? - Depreciation. An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it." ==================================================================== Neighbor 1: "Hi there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving" New Neighbor: "Yes it is, and people around here seem extremely friendly" Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?" New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that? "New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog." Neighbor 1: "That is right" New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a family. Neighbor 1: "Right again" New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife" Neighbor 1: "Correct" New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual" Neighbor 1: "Yup" New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning" Neighbor 1: "Cool!" Later that same day... Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door" Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?" Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job" Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?" Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University" Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?" Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?" Neighbor 2: "No..." Neighbor 1: "Fag." ====================================================================== THE COWBOY An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences...I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women; when I eat, when I shower, when I watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian." ===================================================================== ONLY IN THE US LEGAL SYSTEM A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against . . . (get this) . . fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued. . . and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires". *** This is the funny part *** After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms. ========================================================================== A young lady walks into a bar. She sees a table full of men, obviously out for the night, so she jumps onto their table, rips off her shirt, and says "Come on lads, make me feel like a REAL woman." One of the lads picks up her shirt, hurls it back and replies "Okay then, iron this!" Why is a soya bean like a dildo? Because they are both meat substitutes! How do you know when a planeload of Poms has arrived in Australia? The whining carries on after the engines have stopped. What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yoghurt? There's more culture in a pot of yoghurt. About the last comment from the 1969 moon landing with Neil Armstrong : His actual comment was " Thats one small step for man - and one giant leap for mankind" and then unheard by the world he added - "And Good Luck Mr Grorsky!" For many years he refused to explain his remark and only now in his twilight years does he reveal to NASA the reason for his historic quote. It appears that when Neil was six he was playing in his folks back yard, when he kicked his ball into their neighbours garden. He goes into Mr Grorskys garden to retreive said ball and through an open window hears Mrs Grorskys voice - " A Blow job? You'll get a fucking blow job when the kid next door walks on the moon!!!!" Question - "Whats the difference between Newcastle United and a Teabag?" Answer - "A teabag stays in the cup longer!" How many dyslexics does it take to change a light blub? These three blokes, all good mates, got married on the same day and went to the same hotel for their various honeymoons. They decided to devise a code to let the others know how many times they'd done it during their wedding night. They agreed that however many pieces of toast they asked for with their breakfast the next morning would be the number of times they'd done the bizz the previous night, and the new wives wouldn't suspect a thing. The next morning, the first down gets two pieces of toast and leaves them on his plate for the others to see. The next one comes down and asks for two pieces. Neck and neck so far. A little later the third one comes into breakfast and asks for two pieces of toast. The other two think, phew, we haven't been outdone after all. Then their friend says to the waitress "Oh, and by the way, can you also bring me four slices of brown." Quiz question: Name two people called Warren who played for Newcastle United. Answer: Warren Barton and Peter Beardsley - WarrenUglyBastard. What's the best position for sex? The Bronco Buster: get your wife in the doggy position, hold on tight and say "Your sister's better!" A prostitute is standing on the street corner, waiting for kerb crawlers. A car mounts the kerb and knocks her over and she hits her head. When she comes around, she's lying there screaming 'I can't see. I'm blind, I'm blind!'. A small crowd gathers to witness the commotion, and a man pushes to the front saying to the woman 'It's alright dear, calm down now, I'm a doctor.' He holds up three fingers and says 'Now then, tell me, how many fingers have I got up?'. At this she screams 'Oh no! I've been paralysed as well!! The Scottish Football team are going to sponsor a new Oxo cube. It's going to be called Laughing Stock. What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? Your wife will gladly blow your bonus A Liverpool fan went to see his team play and they lost. (surprise!) He stops in the pub on his way home and has a few. As he is driving home, weaving about a bit, banging into the kerb etc and generally looking pissed, he gets stopped by the Police. "I have reason to believe that you've been drinking, sir. Please blow into this bag."says Plod. "I'm afraid I can't."says the man and gets out a card bearing the words 'The bearer of this card has asthma and must on no account breathe into any bags.' "Never mind,"says Plod, "you can give a blood sample down at the station." "Unfortunately, I can't do that either." says the man and gets out another card which says 'The bearer of this card is a haemophiliac and must on no account undergo any blood tests'. "Well, in that case," says PC Plod, "you'll have to give a urine sample." "I'm sorry." says the man and gets out yet another card which says 'The bearer of this card is a Liverpool supporter. Please do not take the piss'. Why is your wife like a condom? They both spend too much time in your wallet and not enough time on the end of your dick. Man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, doctor. Every time I fart it makes a strange noise.'. 'OK,' Says the doc, 'let one go and I'll listen.'. So the man duly lets one go which makes a noise like HUNNNDAAAAHHHH!! 'Well,' says the doc, 'I've never heard anything like that before.I'll refer you to this specialist that I know in Harley St.'. The specialist can't diagnose the problem, and neither can any of his friends and our boy is getting a bit depressed. He's walking home from Harley St (he's spent all his money on these expensive doctors so can't afford a taxi) When he passes a brass plate beside a door which reads 'Dr Yashimoto, Bowels a speciality. Step right in'. Our man doesn't have much hope but he thinks he'll give it one more try so he goes in. The doctor listens to HUNNNDAAAAHHHH!! 'Very simple' he says in his Japanese accent, 'you have abcess.'. 'I can't,' says the man. 'I've been to the leading doctors in Harley Street; they would surely have found if I'd had an abcess.'. 'No,' says the doc, 'you definitery have abcess. Don,t you know old Japanese saying "Abcess make the fart go Honda!"'. A new emigrant goes to Australia. He's travelling around the Outback looking for work. He arrives in a small town and goes into the only bar in town and gets a beer. The rest of the clientele in the bar aren't used to seeing strangers and are not exactly welcoming, in fact our man's getting a bit apprehensive. Eventually, one of the locals gets up and walks over to him looks him up and down and says "So, you're new in town?"."Yes", says the man, wondering what's coming next. "So, er what do you do, mate?", says the local. "I'm a taxidermist." says the the man, "I mount and stuff dead animals." When he hears this the local grins, slaps our man on the shoulder and announces to the bar "It's alright mates, he's one of us!" A Septic, living in Septic Land, has a sore arm. It's incredibly sore but he can't afford to go to the doctor, this being America. His friend, on hearing his problem, says 'Don't worry about all that doctor horse shit. Piss in a cup; there's this new machine in the shopping mall. All you have to do is insert your sample and $10, and it'll diagnose any illness.'. Our lad finds this all a bit hard to believe but thinks that anything's worth a try. So off he goes to the mall, finds the machine and sticks in his sample and $10. The machine thinks for a few minutes and then out comes a piece of paper which reads 'You've got tennis elbow'. He's amazed at this machine and can't stop thinking about it. Eventually he comes up with an idea to really find out what it will do. He gets a cup and puts in some tapwater, some dogshit, some of his wife's piss which just happened to be lying around, some of his daughter's piss which also happened to be lying around, and for good measure wanks into it. He goes down to the mall, inserts the disgusting mixture and $10. After a long time the machine prints out the following message: 'Your water's hard; get a softener. Your dog has worms; get a vet. Your daughter's on crack; get her into rehab. You wife's pregnant and it's not yours; get a lawyer. And if you don't stop that wanking your tennis elbow's never going to get better.' Little Johnnie sees his parents fucking. Later he asks his mother what they were doing. 'Well,' says Mum, 'Daddy's getting a bit fat so if I sit on him like that, he'll stay slim.'. Little Johnnie thinks for a minute and says 'I don't think it'll work, Mum.'. 'Oh.' says Mum, 'Why not?'. 'Well,' says Little Johnnie, ' because every morning after you've gone to work, the lady next door comes around and blows him up again!'. A man goes into a bar and finds himself sitting beside a beautiful woman wearing a smart suit and carrying a briefcase bearing the initials NAN. By way of conversation he asks what the initials stand for. 'National Association of Nymphomaniacs,' says the lady, ' it's our annual convention.'. The man asks what happens at a NAN convention. 'Well, ' she explains,' today we were debating which sort of men make the best lovers. The concensus was that Native Americans (she was obviously a politically correct nymphomaniac) have the best endurance, Jewish men are the most considerate, and of course black men are well hung. By the way, my name's Melanie Seede.'. 'Pleased to meet you.' says the man. 'I'm Tonto Goldberg, but my friends call me Bubba!'. A man walks into a bar and says 'A p-p-p-pint of lager, p-p-p-please.'. The barman is serving him and says 'I used to have a bad stutter like that, but I got rid of it. Do you want to know how?'. 'Y-y-y-yes I c-c-c-certainly do.' says the man. 'Well' says the barman 'it was simple really. I just got my wife to give me three blow jobs a night for two weeks and the stutter was gone.'. 'Th-th-th-that's amazing,' says the man, 'I must t-t-t-try it'. He finishes his lager and leaves. Three weeks later, he comes into the bar again, and says 'A p-p-p-pint of lager, p-p-p-please.'. The barman says 'I see you've still got the stutter. Didn't you take my advice?'. 'Oh y-y-y-yes' said the man, 'I did just as you said, b-b-b-but it didn't work. I must say, though, you've got your ap-p-partment done up very n-n-nicely indeed!' A newly commissioned sub lieutenant arrives at his posting, a lonely outpost in the desert.. He says to his Platoon Sergeant 'What do the men do for entertainment around here?'. 'Well Sir,'says the sergeant, 'most of us use the camel.' He points over to a stable, and there is the camel looking out of the door. Our young officer thinks to himself, ugh disgusting! However, after a few weeks, he starts feeling frustrated and the camel starts to look better and better. Eventually he can stand it no longer and one evening when no one is looking, he creeps into the stable and gives the camel a good shagging. He's just finished when in walks his sergeant. 'Oh.. er..good evening Sergeant,' he says, 'I was just er using the camel.'. 'I see sir,' replies the sergeant, 'actually most of the chaps use the camel to ride into town to the local brothel!'. Little Johnny is out fishing with his Granddad. The old man lights up a stogie and Johnny asks if he can have one. Granddad sez, "Does your cock reach your asshole?" Johnny sez "No." "Then you can't have one." When the old man pops a beer, Johnny asks for one. Granddad sez, "Does you prick reach your asshole?" "No." "Then you can't have one." Later in the day Johnny excitedly sez, "Granddad, I just won 250,000 in the lottery." Granddad asks, "You are going to share it with me, aren't you?" Johnny sez, "Does your cock reach to your asshole?" Granddad sez "YES." Johnny replies, "Then you can go fuck yourself!" ========================================================================= Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. As he did she said, "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." ======================================================================= A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!" ======================================================================== HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM * One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago * One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York * One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston * One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: L.A. * Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. * Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy * One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle * One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male * One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male * One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female * Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado * One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate. * Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. * Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas * Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" (or could it be Marge Simpson?) * Two hands on the wheel, driving forty-five in a seventy mph zone in the left lane, with the left turn signal on, and making a right turn: New Mexico resident (as anyone who has ever driven through this lovely state can attest) ======================================================================== 10 Best reasons for being what you are.... TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH: --------------------------------- 1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay. 2. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time. 3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs. 4. If there's a war you can surrender really early. 5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4. 6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries. 7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star. 8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street, humiliating your sense of national pride. 9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street. 10.People think you're a great lover even when you're not. 11.Lesbianism is positively encouraged. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN: ----------------------------------- 1. You can have a woman president without electing her. 2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it. 3. You can call Budweiser beer. 4. You can be a crook and still be president. 5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything. 6. If you can breathe you can get a gun. 7. You can invent a new public holiday every year. 8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care. 9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy". 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth. 11. When you're not. 12. At all. 13. You can join wars late after all the hard work has been done. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH: ---------------------------------- 1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah doo-dah. 2. Warm beer. 3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket. 4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events. 5. Union jack underpants. 6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer. 7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power. 8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not. 9. Ditto changing underwear. 10. Beats being Welsh. 11. Or Scottish. 12. The Spice Girls are English. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN: ---------------------------------- 1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes. 2. Unembarrassed to wear fur. 3. No need to worry about tax returns. 4. Glorious military history... well, till about 400 A.D. 5. Can wear sunglasses inside. 6. Political stability. 7. Flexible working hours. 8. Live near the Pope. 9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair. 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH: ---------------------------------- 1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes. 2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees. 3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc. 4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans. 5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing. 6. Honesty. 7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls. 8. You get to eat bulls' testicles. 9 Gibraltar. 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN: --------------------------------- 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. In-built sense of pacifism. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN: --------------------------------- 1. Chicken Madras. 2. Lamb Passanda. 3. Onion Bhaji. 4. Bombay Potato. 5. Chicken Tikka Masala. 6. Rogan Josh. 7. Papadams. 8. Chicken Dopiaza. 9. Meat Boona. 10. Kingfisher lager. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH: ------------------------------- 1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?!?! TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH: -------------------------------- 1. Guinness. 2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives. 3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road. 4. Pubs never close. 5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on. 6. No one can ever remember the night before. 7. Kill people you don't agree with. 8. Stew. 9. More Guinness. 10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN: ----------------------------------- 1. It beats being an American. 2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. 4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? 6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. 7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. 8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins. 9. Own-an-eskimo scheme. 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN: ------------------------------------ 1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bastard that no civilised nation on earth wanted. 2. Fosters Lager 3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you. 4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket. 5. Tact and sensitivity. 6. Bondi Beach. 7. Other beaches. 8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals. 9. Drinking cold lager on the beach 10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach. 11. Kylie is Australian. 12. Real Men Drink Lager. 13. Be basically British but don't have to put up with the Royals. 14. Kylie is Australian. 15. Kangaroos are cool. 16. Did I mention Kylie is Australian? ============================================================= Here's some of Rodney Dangerfield's best one liners... A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all. And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with. During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through. My mother had morning sickness after I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide. On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too! When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL Education * Oddly enuff, many a man acquires a huge vocabulary simply by marrying it. * College graduates stand a very good chance of getting a job from someone who didn't go to college at all. * These days, for every student who shows a spark of intelligence, there are ten more with ignition trouble. * Think how lucky the kids studying history in the US are, compared to some of the other countries. Kids in this country only have to learn the date of one revolution. * After my daughter Sandy had successfully graduated from college she asked me if I thought she would ever get a chance to put into practice everything she'd learned. Didn't take me a second to reply, "I certainly hope not Sandy... I certainly hope not !" * An immigrant came to the US and was unable to find work. A local Parish Priest mercifully let him act as the Church's Beadle. It wasn't long before it was discovered the man could neither read nor write, and he was fired. He got a job in a grocery store, worked hard, saved his money and eventually opened-up his own store. As the years went by, he added store by store until he became a millionaire. Being interviewed, the reporter was amazed that the man could not read or write to that day. He said, "Think where you would be today if you could read and write." The old man replied, "Yeah. I'd be a minor official in a local Catholic Church." ~~~~~~~~ * Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a sunburn, you're still better off than the worm. * Sincerity is the key to success. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. * People are so upset about cloning because it means that women no longer need for anything. * "No! Do, or do not. There is no -try-." -- Yoda "Oh shut up, you ugly little troll, you are spoiling my concentration!" -- Luke * I don't suppose it's going to rain? - Joan of Arc * "Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot." * I am a figment of my imagination. ~~~~~~~ THE 8 WORST CONVENIENCE FOODS ON EARTH 8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease. 7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered. 6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1, 170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that he label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs. 5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): >From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone." 4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite? 3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs. 2. Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up as cracker spread. =================================================================== THE ASIAN IMMERSION TEST. We've all asked ourselves periodically if we've been in Asia too long, but we're never quite sure how to really determine the answer. The self-test below has been formulated to allow you to evaluate this question Give yourself 1 point every time you answer "yes" to a question .. PERSONAL HABITS: Have you discovered that the footprints on the toilet seat are your own? Do you no longer wait in line, but automatically go to the front of any queue? If you are a non-gay male, do you find yourself holding hands and/or hugging male colleagues on a regular basis? Do you now find it stimulating to force your way into an elevator before anyone has had a chance to get out? Do you find yourself paying to use a toilet that you wouldn't go within a kilometer of at home? WORK: Do you no longer wonder how someone making US$200 a month can drive a Mercedes? Are you no longer surprised when no decisions are made at meetings other than to fix a date & venue for the next meeting? Do you rank the decision making ability of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "up to you"? Do you now accept that you have to queue to get your number that lets you join the next queue? TRANSPORT: Have you thought about buying a motorcycle as a family car? Have you accepted without question your mechanic's assertion that your car is "broken" and it will cost a lot of money to have it "fixed" Are you no longer surprised when you are passed while passing another vehicle? On air planes, do you now find it saves time to stand and retrieve your luggage during the plane's final approach? Do you think the Proton and the Kijang are well-built and stylish vehicles Do you now love the challenge of avoiding the 3 meter deep potholes in the road and footpath? ENTERTAINMENT: Do you like to sing along with the televised Islamic prayers? Are you quite happy to repeat your order 6 times in a restaurant that only has 4 items on the menu? Do you find it amusing to have your waiter repeat your order exactly and the cook prepare an entirely different dish? RESULTS: If you answered yes to some of these questions, then you are well on your way to being immersed, if more than half, you are submerged and if yes to all, you have already drowned. ===================================================================== A classic on the differences between men and women . . . Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asksh er out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa ! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship , more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right . And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty . That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..... . ''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. ''What?'' says Roger, startled. ''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......" (She breaks down, sobbing.) ''What?'' says Roger. ''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.'' ''There's no horse?'' says Roger. ''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says. ''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. ''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) ''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says. ''What way?'' says Roger. ''That way about time,'' says Elaine. ''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) ''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. ''Thank you,'' says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.) The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them , and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'' ======================================================================== The Perfect Day for Her: 8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil 10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer 10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out 12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage 5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 10:00 Hot shower (alone) 10:30 Make love 11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling 11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms The Perfect Day for Him! 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blowjob 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 7:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport 8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ) 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under) 11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens 12:15 Blowjob 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew 4:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs) 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore star in farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold) 7:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 9:30 Sex with three women 11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi 11:45 Bed (alone) 11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room 11:55 Sleep ===================================================================== A lion in the Dublin zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?" "No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged an English tourist into the cage and completely devoured him." "Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?" The zookeeper says, "The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth" ======================================================================= One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with"...This was England's finest hour..." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill." "Congratulations said the teacher- you may go home." The teacher then said,"Ask not what your country can do for you..." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy". "Very good" says the teacher,"you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those bitches would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." ======================================================================= The Clinton & Saddam Talks President Clinton visits Saddam Hussein to talk about the UNSCOM inspections in Iraq. As he sits down he sees three buttons in the armrest of Saddam's chair. When Saddam sits down, Clinton immediately asks, "Why the three buttons in your armrest?" "You'll see," says Saddam. After 10 minutes Saddam presses the first button, and WHACK a boxing glove hits Clinton in the face. Clinton grabs his nose, while Saddam just laughs. Clinton manages to remain calm until, after another 10 minutes, Saddam presses the second button, and another boxing glove hits Clinton in the stomach. While Clinton is gasping for air, Saddam falls out of his chair from laughing. Clinton is highly annoyed by now, but remains outwardly calm. After another 5 minutes, Saddam presses the third button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, this time right in the crotch. Clinton is really fed up by it now and breaks off the talks. "We'll continue this next week in the White House," says the President. Saddam, has tears in his eyes from laughing, and can only nod in agreement. As agreed, Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office a week later, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the armrest of Clinton's chair. As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button and immediately ducks, but nothing happens. This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing really loud. Clinton continues where he left off, and after a few minutes presses the second button. Saddam again reacts instinctively, and jumps up to avoid whatever is coming. Again absolutely nothing happens, and this time it's Clinton who falls out of his chair from laughing. Saddam is totally bewildered, and wonders what is happening. But no harm has come to him, so he retakes his seat and the talks continue. After a few more minutes, Clinton presses the third button. This time, Saddam doesn't even flinch, but stays in his chair as though nothing unusual is taking place. Clinton, however, is rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughter. Saddam is not only bewildered-now he is angry. He springs to his feet and shouts, "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad!" Through tears of laughter, Clinton says, "Baghdad.... what Baghdad?" ======================================================================== In the old days, the USAF Class-A uniform -- according to some -- looked like that of a Trailways bus driver. A couple of Marines walked up to a USAF major in a bus terminal and said, mockingly, "Hey, driver...when's this bus take off?" The major turned around and said, "As soon as you @#^*$ porters load the damn baggage!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----------- There was this kid, sitting on the curb, playing with a pile of shit. A sailor walks by and says, "Hey, kid...what're ya doing?" He answers, "I'm makin' me an airman!" The anchor-clanker starts laughing. An Army sergeant walks up and says,"Hey, kid...why are you playing in that mess?" He answers again, "I'm makin' me an airman!" The sarge joins the sailor and starts lauging. A Marine walks up and says, "Hey, kid...what ya doing playing in that shit?" He answers one more time, "I'm makin' me an airman!" The marine joins the others in laughing. Finally, an airman passes by and says, "Hey, kid...whatcha doing?" As before, he answers, "I'm makin' me an airman!" He was furious. "An airman?!? Why not a Marine? Or a sailor? Or a grunt?!?" The kid answers, "I don't have enough shit!" ========================================================================= Some good quotes: 1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones 2. Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for 20 years. 3. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen 4. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off. 5. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner 7. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating. - Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course. 8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde 9. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. - Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown 11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. - F. P. Jones 12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. - Douglas Adams 13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. - Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney 14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.. - Ashleigh Brilliant 15. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. - Ashleigh Brilliant 16. Her kisses left something to be desired - the rest of her. 17. Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students? A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once. 18. "Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates, what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates, how can I find happiness?', but did anyone ever say 'Socrates, hemlock is poison.'???" - Socrates minutes before death. 19. Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. 20. Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it. 21. Television is called a medium. This is because it is neither rare, nor well done. 22. Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 23. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. 24. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 25. "The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." - Sir Richard F. Burton 26. A bird in the hand will probably crap on your wrist ===================================================================== omen Strike Back... Q.) What do you call a man with half a brain? A.) Gifted. Q.) What do you call an intelligent man in France? A.) A tourist. Q.) What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing? A.) Castrated. Q.) What do you call a handcuffed man? A.) Trustworthy. Q.) What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? A.) Slow. Q.) What is the difference between a man and E.T.? A.) E.T. phoned home. Q.) What is the difference between government bonds and men? A.) Bonds Mature. Q.) What do all the men at singles bars have in common? A.) They are all married. Q.) What do men think Mutual Orgasm is? A.) An insurance company. Q.) What is gross stupidity? A.) 144 men in one room. Q.) What is a man's view of safe sex? A.) A padded headboard. Q.) Husband: Want a quickie? A.) Wife: As opposed to what? Q.) Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it? A.) Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? Q.) Why do men want to marry virgins? A.) They can't stand criticism. Q.) Why do men play football on artificial turf? A.) To keep them from grazing. Q.) Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners? A.) So men can remember them. Q.) Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? A.) Because all of those guys already have boyfriends. Q.) Why is psychoanalysis quicker for a man than for a woman? A.) When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there. Q.) Why are men like popcorn? A.) They satisfy you, but only for a little while. Q.) Why are men like blenders? A.) You need one, but you're not quite sure why. Q.) Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A.) So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. Q.) Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover? A.) He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal. Q.) Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? A.) He had it bronzed. Q.) How many men does it take to pop JIFFY POP popcorn? A.) Three -- One to hold the pan and two others to show off by shaking the stove. Q.) How do men sort their laundry? A.) "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable". Q.) How can you tell the difference between men's regular gifts and their guilt gifts? A.) Guilt gifts are a lot nicer. ============================================================= A young redneck named Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Technology firm. Another redneck named Zeke applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked by the Department manager to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to Zeke." Bubba: "And why would you do that? We both got nine questions correct." Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you both missed." Bubba: "How can one incorrect answer be better than another?" Manager: "Simple, Zeke put down on question #5, "I don't know." You wrote down "Neither do I." ================================================================ Tequila On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, amazingly, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process. Another guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the other man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?" The first replied, "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it." The second guy, who was also drunk out of his gourd, thinks to himself, 'Hey, why not?' So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo.......splat!!! The bartender shakes his head,looks over at the first guy and says: "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk." ===================================================================== A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born. The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. Why don't you know what color the child is going to be? Well, says the woman, The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is. OK, says the doctor, I'll do it for you but it is most unusual. The baby begins to be born and the doctor says here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese? Yes, doctor he was., says the woman. Wait, says the doctor, The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black? Yes, doctor he was. Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Asian? Yes, doctor he was. So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy Waaaahh and starts crying. Oh,thank God for that!, says the woman, For a moment there, I expected it to bark! ******* Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he and Dr. Watson passed 3 women eating bananas on a park bench. Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed. Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?!! Watson asked. Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small, bite-size pieces. The prostitute, he continued, grabbed the banana with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth at one time. Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed ? Because, Holmes said, she held the banana in one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other hand. ***************** Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, Congratulations! You're the father of twins! What a coincidence! the man exclaims. I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team! The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, You are the father of triplets! Wow, what a coincidence! he replies. I work for the 3M Corporation! When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel! At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong. What's wrong?! I work for Seagrams 'Hundred Pipers'.... ************* A very nice, innocent woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. She is very happy with him, and she feels that they are perfect for each other. So, they end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner. What happened? she asks. I've never been with a woman he says, but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get! ======================================================================= Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says "hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter" The entire class says" Hello Mrs. Prussy" A few days later the regular teacher is still sick When Johny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is. Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher"I Remember it has an "R" after the first letter". "That's right" she coaxed. Then after a few seconds Johnny says "Mrs. Crunt?" -----=-=-=-=-=-=-=------ Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, "Hey Dad, what are you doing?" The dad answered, "Playing Cards". Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" The dad answered, " Your mom". Little Johnny then passed by his older sister's room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, "Hey Sis, what are you doing?" The sister answered, "Playing Cards." Little Johnny asked, "Whose your partner?" She answered, "My boyfriend." A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom (naturally). As he passed Little Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, "what are you doing?" Little Johnny answered, "Playing Cards." The Dad asked, "Really? Whose your partner?" Little Johnny answered,... "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!" -----=-=-=-=-=-=-=------ Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny, "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking. " Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." -----=-=-=-=-=-=-=------ Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play." Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with." Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down." Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?" In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!" -----=-=-=-=-=-=-=------ Little Johnny's teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living. Little Mary got up and said "my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect". "Great" said the teacher Michael got up and said " my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife" . Good said the teacher. Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said: "My Mommy, she is a substitute". Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, "you mean she is a Prostitute" "No". Said Johnny, "my Sister, she is the Prostitute, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes". -----=-=-=-=-=-=-=------ One day little Johnnie came up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did I come from?" Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son's eyes got wider and wider. When Dad was finished, his son said, "Wow, that's really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia." =================================================================== Some things you just can't explain A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt, stood on the stool and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... ========================================================================= Men vs. Women =========== The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!" A philosophical question to ponder: If a man speaks in the woods and His wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong? Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ...wedding cake! In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man And rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said , "God, I wish I had your willpower." Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. Two old ladies were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?" The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ priest, a pastor, and a rabbi are walking down the street on a hot day and are quite thirsty. They pass a busy bar and want to go in and get a drink but have no money. But the priest comes up with an idea that he thinks might work, so he goes in alone, telling to others that if his idea works they can all get free drinks. He orders his drink, and when he's finished with it, the bartender gives him his tab. The priest says, "But son,... I already paid for the drink!" The bartender says, "I'm terribly sorry father but it's really busy in here and I must have forgotten." The priest goes out and tells the pastor and the rabbi what happened, so the pastor goes in next. The pastor orders his drink and then informs the bartender that he already had paid when the bartender asks him for the money. Again the bartender apologizes. Finally the rabbi goes in and orders his drink. Again the bartender gives him the tab and the rabbi tells him, "Son, I paid you when I ordered the drink." "I'm terribly sorry rabbi," says the bartender, "I don't know what's wrong with me, but your the third man of the cloth that I've done this to." "I'm sorry son," says the rabbi, "but I'm in a terrible hurry,... Just give me my change for the $20 I gave you, and I'll be on my way!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A lawyer's dog got loose and naturally headed for the nearest butcher store. As soon as the door opened, the dog darted inside grabbed the first steak he could reach, and ran off with it. The storeonwer went to the lawyer's office and asked, "If an unleashed dog steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have the right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answered, "Absolutely." "Well then, you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a steak from me today." The lawyer reached in his pocket and gave the storeowner $9. 00 and told him to keep the change. Two days later, the storeowner opens his mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $75.00 due for consultation. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft. Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "Should the cabin loose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! This is an actual joke I heard on Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring I've experienced. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!" >From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt , and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. " Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen , welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?" ================================================================== MURPHY'S LAW: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. * Murphy was an optimist. * No good deed goes unpunished. * Leakproof seals - will. * Self-starters - will not. * Interchangeable parts - won't. * There is always one more bug. * Nature is a Mother. * Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy. * 90% of everything is crud. * If you're feeling good, don't worry, you'll get over it. * All warranties expire on payment of invoice. * Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. * Never eat prunes when you are famished. * Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. * If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. * A short cut is the longest distance between two points. * You will always find something in the last place you look. * You will remember that you forgot to take the trash out when the garbage truck is two doors away. * The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the price of the carpet. * The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. * No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will always be on sale somewhere cheaper. * There's never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over. * No one's life, liberty, or property are safe when the legislature is in session. * When in doubt, mumble, when in trouble, delegate. * The other line always moves faster. * Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. * It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. * A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. * In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. * Anything you try will take longer and cost more than you thought. * Murphy's Golden Rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules. * If you fool around with a thing long enough, you will screw it up. * A $300 picture tube will protect a 10¢ fuse by blowing first. * If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. * Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center. * The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before. * When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman it will work perfectly. * A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. * Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. * Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it. * Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. * In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. * Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. * Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. * Celibacy is not hereditary. * Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. * Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone. * To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression, (Freudian psychology). * Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. * A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. * If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. * If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault. * In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. * Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT 1. You are not a superman. 2. If it's stupid but works. It's not stupid. 3. Don't look conspicuous - it draws file. (This is why aircraft carriers are called "Bomb Magnets".) 4. When in doubt, empty your magazine. 5. Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you. 6. Never forget your weapon was made by the low bidder. 7. If your attack is really going well, it's an ambush. 8. No plan survives the first contact intact. 9. All five-second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds. 10. Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo. 11. If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short. 12. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack. 13. The important things are always simple. 14. The simple things are always hard. 15. The easy way is always mined. 16. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat. 17. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 18. Incoming fire has the right-of-way. 19. Friendly fire - isn't. 20. If the enemy is in range, SO ARE YOU. 21. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection. 22. Beer math is two beers times 37 men = 40 cases. 23. Body count math is two guerillas plus one probable plus two pigs = 37 enemy killed in action. 24. Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together. 25. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support. 26. Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing. 27. Tracers work both ways. 28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy file is incoming freindly fire. 29. Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out. 30. If you take more than you fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take. 31. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right. 32. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs. 33. Murphy was a grunt. MURPHY'S COMPUTER LAW 1. Murphy Never would Have Used One. 2. Murphy Would Have Loved Them. Bove's Theorem The reaming work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches. Brooks' Law Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Canada Bill Jones' Motto It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money. Cann's Axiom When all else fails, read the instructions. Clark's third Law Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration the higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one. Deadline-Dan's Demon Every task takes twice as long as you think it will take. If you double the time you think it will take, it will actually take four time as long .. Demian's Observation There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE". Dr. Caligari's Come-Back A bad disk sector error occurs only after you've done several hours of work without performing a backup. Estridge's Law No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, Microsoft can redefine it. Finagle's Rules: 1. To Study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2. Always keep a record of data. It edacities you've been working. 3. Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 5. Program results should always be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. 6. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. Gilb's Law of Unreliability 1. at the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. Gummidge's Law The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. Harp's Corollary to Estridge's Law Your "IBM PC-comparable" computer grow more incomparable with every passing moment. Heller's Law The first myth of management is that it exists. Hind's Law of computer Programming 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 5. The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 6. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will fine that programmers cannot write in English. Hoare's law of Large Programs Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. The Last One's Law of Program Generators A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program generator. Meskimen's Law There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Murphy's Fourth Law If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics Things get worse under pressure. Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules The first ninety percent of the work takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. Nixon's Theorem The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Nolan's Placebo An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Osborn's Law Variables won't, constants aren't. O'Tooles Commentary on Murphy's Law Murphy was an optimist. Peer's Law The solution to a problem changes the problem. Rhodes' Corollary to Hoare's Law Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling to be free. Robert E. Lee's Truce Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from poor judgement. Sattinger's Law It works better if you plug it in. Shaw's Principle Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool would want to use it. Snafu Equations 1. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be at least N+ 1 unknowns. 2. An object or bit of information most needed will be least accessible. 3. Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible .. 4. Interchangeable devices won't. 5. In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6. Badness comes in waves. Thoreau's Theories of Adaptation 1. After months of training and you finally understand all of a programs commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all- new command structure. 2. After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug" is taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3. Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariably lead to work in improving user's "computer literacy." 4. That's not a "bug", that's a feature! Weinberg's Corollary An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. Weinberg's Law If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can. Wood's Axiom As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death situation, the power fails. ======================================================================= A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly." *********************************************************************** There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible." He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible. He asked "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady. *********************************************************************** Mrs. Fleshman goes to the butcher shop to buy a chicken for the Sunday meal. The butcher has only one scrawny chicken left. He puts it on the scale. "Three pounds," he says. "That's too scrawny; don't you have something bigger?" Mrs. Fleshman asks. He pretends to rummage around, and then puts the same chicken back on the scale, while pressing with his thumb. "Three and a half pounds," he says. "That looks better," says Mrs. Fleshman. "I'll take them both." ======================================================================= The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about what a penis is called inTHEIR language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side. The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. ===================================================================== Octogenarian An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over-exert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her groom ready for l'amour. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling which is again successful, after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again, fresh as a daisy and ready for more. Once again they make passionate love. As they're lying in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has the stamina to make love so many times." The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here? =========================================================================== ......"The Dump"........ The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it .. The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone coaxial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?" You leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far. The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face...pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do. The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth have in common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go through too small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help. The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poison ivy. The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do : 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it. The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy. The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16. The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem 3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly. The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors. The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe? Maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin". Its claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice...go in a paper cup. The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump because there is nothing biblical about it...you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together , wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores. The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say "Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the pain quickly. _________________________________________________________ Useless Information: A pregnant goldfish is called a twit. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A whale's penis is called a dork. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly. Reindeer like to eat bananas. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together." Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo. More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again. Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie. LONDON'S NINE NEWSPAPERS The Times: Read by the people who run the country. Daily Mirror: Read by people who think they run the country. Guardian: Read by those who think they ought to run country. Daily Mail: Read by the wives of people who run the country. The Financial Times: Read by the people who own the country. Daily Express: Read by the people who think the country ought to be run as it used to be run. Daily Telegraph: Read by the people who still think it is. The Sun: Read by the people who don't care who runs the f***ing country, provided she's got big tits. ===================================================================== The newest Windows 98 (c) Warranty SAN FRANCISCO, CA Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating system from Microsoft. Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). You'll notice immediately that "98" is a larger number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any. Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again. Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family. Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed permanently. Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner. We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats. Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c). =========================================================== All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as....."Mr .. President." ================================================================ RE: Beer Triva It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon". ------------------ Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". ------------- In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's". ---------- Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hastened ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer". ------------- After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles. ----------------- In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy". ---------------- Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice. - BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent's room, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house breaking. Demand beer. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. PROBLEM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. SOLUTION: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Say, "Excuse me." to taxi driver. - Drink beer or DIE? In family home evening, I would present this hypothetical to my children: You are in the desert dying of thirst and you come across a six pack of Bud Light; ... drink a warm brewski you will live, if you don't drink a brewski (okay, maybe two or three), you will die. What should you do? Actually this whole subject is really rather silly. Of course I'd take the beer. But there is a small problem which this issue ignores utterly . Alcohol, particularly ethanol, is a diuretic. Whats a diuretic? In short, a substance that makes you urinate more. Any beer drinkers around here can attest to this fact. Another popular diuretic substance is caffeine in its many forms. Both substances will cause you to urinate more liquid than you consume in the process. So you're out in the desert, dying of thirst, your electrolytes are all out of whack, and you're presented with a six pack of obnoxious domestic brew. You could just give it up right there and stare at the beer until you die. You could chug down the beer and have a nice little buzz while you pee out the last remaining fluid in your body and THEN die. Or, you could CHEAT! What you do is fractionally distill the beer. Methanol has a much lower boiling point than water. Its a relatively elementary matter to perform a fractional distillation on the beer to cook the ethanol out of it while keeping the liquid. Just as importantly, you'll also manage to keep around any nutritive value in the beer by doing this. Normally when alcohol is distilled, the water is discarded (lost as H2O steam) and the alcohol is collected. This is essentially how grain liquor is produced from fermenting mash. In our case, we want to KEEP the water and let the alcohol evaporate. Thus, our task is much simpler and we don't even need a second collection vessel. Simply bringing the beer SLOWLY to a boil in an open container should just about do the trick, since the alcohol will boil out and evaporate leaving everything else behind. When you're through you'll also have 6 nice little 12 oz water containers. If you're REALLY dying of thirst you still have one source of water that most people don't think about. Your urine. After downing the disgusting boiled beer, you can collect your urine and drink it again. Its a sterile fluid, albiet rather nasty smelling. If you want to, you can always distill the urine, but in this case you're trying to boil off the water so the distillation won't be simple at all. The sort of still you'd need to accomplish this task would be more like a salt water distillatery than the previous one. Besides, once you've drunk boiled beer I'd guess that urine would smell good in comparison. - Beer Drinker's Prayer Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the pub. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage's, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager. For ever and ever. BARMEN. __ BEEROBICS Non-fitness guru, 127 kg Mick Gullick, nicknamed the Demotivator, has invented a new workout regimen for 20 of his overweight friends. All memembers of the The Black Hours pub, of Torrington, Devon, Mick and his pals began to exercise recently after their wives began to complain about their ballooning midriffs. Mick, who sports a 56-inch waist, is the smallest of the fatties. He was choosen by his slovenly commerades to design a gruelling phusical fitness routine they all could participate in two to three times a week at the pub. The new exercise workout includes: -- Lifting pitchers of beer while watching Cindy Crawford aerobics VDOs .. -- Pushing up to and away from the bar. -- Exercising finger muscles by opening snack food bags and tins. -- Racing through an obstacle course of tables and bar stools to the bathroom, as the need arises. -- Circuit training by swigging beer between exercises. Although no-one has lost any weight, the wives all agree that their husbands' staminas hav increased. Interested in joining? Mick says new members are indeed welcome, but first they have to pass the physical. "Anyone wanting to join the beerobics club must first pass the gruelling physical, by swallowing a pint of ale in siz seconds. " __ -- · You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. - Frank Zappa -- · Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. - Ernest Hemmingway -- · He was a wise man who invented beer. - Plato -- · When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman -- · Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. - Kaiser Wilhelm -- · I drink to make other people interesting. - George Jean Nathan --· They who drink beer will think beer. - Washington Irving --· An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. - For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway --· You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Dean Martin --· All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. - Homer Simpson --· Beer has food value but food has no beer value. - Anonymous -- Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella -- Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce -- Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol. -- I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. -- A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. -- What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields -- Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder. -- Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply -- If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches. --David Daye -- Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde -- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman -- Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. --I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom Waits -- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Beer is good food. -- you don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there . --Charles Bukowski -- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy -- It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank. -- Life is too short to drink cheap beer. -- Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore -- Beer: Nature's laxative. -- Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother! -- One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker -- All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry --When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry -- Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry -- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry -- My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg -- The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. --Humphrey Bogart -- Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer. -- If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing... -- Draft beer, not people! -- Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary -- Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David Moulton -- A drink a day keeps the shrink away. --Edward Abbey -- People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI -- Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar. - And now, a message to all the beer drinkers that I know... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, slowly kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. So in this way, regular consumption of beer actually eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and engineering performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that beer! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career or potential that you could have .. Be all that you can be. - Subject: FW: Complaint letter An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response: Miller Brewing Company Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201 Dear Sir or Madam, I have been a drinker of Miller beer's for many years (actually, ever since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun Control Inc. back in the mid 80's). Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990 while in Honduras I switched to Miller Genuine Draft (MGD) smuggled up from Panama. Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD. For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to speak. That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design. Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the following observations: 1. Your cans are made of aluminum. 2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy. 3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may be exposed to sunlight. 4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of the can. 5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer). 6. Warm beer sucks. This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer. However, this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you painted the damn can... black!!! Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here in Oklahoma where the summers are both sunny and hot, this effect is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and Arizona are having to put up with. Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had firm evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below. The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my pool .. The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38 (and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95 degrees F. Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes) -------------------------------- ---------------------------- Miller Lite (white can) 6.2 Bud (white can) 5.5 Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2 Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4 Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1 Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8 Coors (gold can) 0.1 It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the average suckpoint, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to suck at any point. It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans. All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the shade will thank you. Sincerely, Bradley Lee Beer-drinker =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with this guys letter. Enjoy... =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Dear Bradley Lee, Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it relates to premature warming of the contents. Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution to your problem. May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States. First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about any temperature. Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can. You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now reeking havoc at pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would have been even a bigger mistake. So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a difference between Northern beer drinker and Southern beer drinkers. Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5 minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy, slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes. However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two in that time frame. >From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new "Wide Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems. Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as "shot-gunning". You should like the name. 10 reasons beer is better than jesus When Christian students at Texas A&M University donned pro-abstinence T-shirts bearing the legend, "Top 10 Reasons Jesus Is Better Than Beer," the Texas A&M's Agnostic and Atheist Student Group responded with the following: Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus 10. No one will kill you for not drinking beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over their brand of beer. 4. You don't have to wait more than 2,000 years for a second beer. 3. There are laws saying that beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to beer, there are groups to help you stop. ============================================================================= This Year's Bulwar-Lytton Prizes. The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries. Some recent winners: "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it." "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens." "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description." "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep ... Andre creep." "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -- to become the woman he loved." "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store." "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do." "Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor." "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word "fear," a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies. AND THE BEST OF ALL: "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!" ==================================================================== Alabama humor Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery? The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why do folks from Alabama go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? 17 and under not admitted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you get when you have 32 Alabamians in the same room? A full set of teeth. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A new law was recently passed in Alabama: when a couple gets a divorce, they're still brother and sister. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two Alabamians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guess how many there are, can I have one?" "I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm......, five?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This Alabamian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car. "Want to go in the back seat?" she asked. "No," he replied. A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?" "No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An Alabamian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The Alabamian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for? " The driver said, "They're to hold my balls when I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the Alabamian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WORDS FROM WOMEN................. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. ---- Erica Jong I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. ---- Rita Rudner I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. ---- Roseanne My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. ---- Rita Rudner I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. ----- Susie Loucks I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. ---- Wendy Liebman Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. ---- Erma Bombeck I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. ---- Roseanne I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. ----- Dolly Parton I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT ? --- Wendy Liebman I think-therefore I'm single. ---- Lizz Winstead "When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler "I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner "Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug "In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher "I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn "I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -- - Marie Corelli "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." * ---- Baroness Edith Summerskill * "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" ---- Linda Ellerbee "I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor ====================================================================== Parrots With A Problem A lady goes to the church and tells the priest, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing and that is: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to read the bible and pray all day long. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" says the woman and the next day, she brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots says, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" One of the male parrots turns to the other and says, "We can throw away our bibles, our prayers have been answered!" ========================================================================= After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences. 1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling. 3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. ================================================================= Letters to Bill Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter ******************** Dear Bill: OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe! Gary Hart ********************* My Dear Chap: This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven. Hugh Grant ********************** Bill: They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you! Bitch done set us up! Mayor Marion Berry ******************** Dear Bill: Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall. Marv Albert ****************** Dear Mr. President: You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex. Warm personal regards, Newt ***************** Dear Bill: Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime. Frank Gifford ******************* Dear Mr. President: Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there! Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas ***************** Dear Former Worthy Opponent: Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway! Bob Dole *************** Dear Mr. President: I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room. Michael Jackson ************** Dear Fellow Sinner: Jesus forgives you and so do I. Rev. Jimmy Swaggart ************* Dear Bill: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Jim Baker P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime. *********** Dear Bill: Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!! With sympathy, Rob Lowe ************ Dear Bill: If I survived wanting to be a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor) HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales ************ Dear Mr. President: We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue. The Editors, Cigar Aficionado Magazine >From a sign at a cleaners in Bangkok near Nana Plaza: "For Best Results Drop Your Trousers Here" ============================================================== How Would You Like To Be An Egg If you think life is bad...How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all...The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad! =============================================================== Judge Hears The Case Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?", asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what the man has to say." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi- truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" ========================================================== Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions. Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless junk in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Lewinsky Subpoenaed to Re-Blow Clinton on Senate Floor 'We Must Know Exactly What Happened,' Say Legislators Washington, DC -- On the heels of last week's decision to allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re- blow President Clinton on the Senate floor. The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but unfortunate very necessary move. "This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes, exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to determine if the president's statements before the grand jury constituted a crime." In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged, including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing, under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various objects. Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair trial. "How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes, we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina, but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and down? Precisely how much of the president's erect penis was Miss Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was there gagging involved? Were the president's balls, at any point in the proceed ings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these vital questions of national security." "If President Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than the very future of our country is at stake." More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of the trial, citing the impera tive of the public's "right to know." "If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure-including full frontal nudity, if necessary-before the American people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we fail to provide the public with the whole truth-no matter how sordid, depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be-we have failed in our duty to the people of this nation." In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected, complete coverage of the, presidential fellating, as well as related "second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the prime-time network newscasts. Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease of global dissemination via television - and the Internet, footage of the Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a prospect. "How am I supposed to explain to my six year-old daughter that the president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders, associate director of the What About The Children? Foundation and a staunch presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a child. An innocent child!" "This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to,"said concerned parent Judith LaFieur, who is leading a campaign to place content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only." Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics." "This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its 210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of matter that should be trivialized." ====================================================================== A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?" ========================================================================= Golf...hurts A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, ooooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "That feels great, but my thumb still hurts." ========================================================================== THE POPE AND THE QUEEN The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is huge -- thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- Both being heads of churches and all. The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice--they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their decedents. The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her. ===================================================================== Three guys, Father, Son and Grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say OK and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, parring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy a blow job you will never forget." The guys think what a deal! (editors note: and of course they would) The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The Grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme." ====================================================================== A cruise ship sinks and 3 men make it to an uninhabited island. The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates across, and prays to the Lord to be saved. The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca and prays to Allah to save him. The third man, a Jew, falls asleep under the palm tree. The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and serene. They ask him and he answers: "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged $3,000,000. Don't worry . . . they'll find me. ============================================================================ e again it is time to start thinking about casting your vote for the 1999 Darwin Award winner! As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who contribute to the gene pool by dying in spectacularly stupid ways before they breed (thankfully). NOMINEE No. 1 [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun Discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE No. 2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alma, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." NOMINEE No. 3 [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE No. 4 [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. The managing partner of the firm, Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE No. 5 [Bloomburg News Service]: A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE No. 6 [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE NO. 7 ["The Indianapolis Star"]: A cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m.. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE No. 8 [AP, St. Louis]: Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. NOMINEE No. 9 [Unknown]: To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock -and was killed instantly when it fell on him. NOMINEE No. 10 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]: Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of incaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. MD. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off" and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." NOMINEE No. 11 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. ========================================================================= Men are like....... .....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table. .....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion. .....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly. .....Government bonds. They take so long to mature. .....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it. .....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright. .....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. .....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it. .....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair. .....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. .....Handguns. Keep one around long enough, and you're going to want to shoot it. ======================================================================= In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: Simple Duties: _You make the bed: +1 _You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows: 0 _You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets: -1 _You leave the toilet seat up: -5 _You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty: 0 _When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex: -1 _When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle to the next bathroom: -2 _You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings: +5 _But return with beer: -5 _You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0 _You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0 _You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5 _You pummel it with a six iron: +10 _It's her father: -10 Social Engagements: _You stay by her side the entire party: 0 _You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy: -2 _Named Lisa: -4 _Lisa is a dancer: -6 _Lisa is an old girlfriend: -8 Her Birthday: _You take her out to dinner: 0 _You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1 _Okay, it is a sports bar: -2 _And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3 _It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10 A Night Out With The Boys: _Go out with a pal: -5 _And the pal is happily married: -4 _Or frighteningly single: -7 _And he drives a Mustang: -10 _With a personalized license plate 'GR8 N BED': -15 A Night Out: _You take her to a movie: +2 _You take her to a movie she likes: +4 _You take her to a movie you hate: +6 _You take her to a movie you like: -2 _It's called Death Cop 3: -3 _Which features cyborgs having sex: -9 _You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans: -5 Your Physique: _You develop a noticeable potbelly: -15 _You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it: +10 _You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts: -30 _You say "I don't care because you have one, too": -800 The Big Question: _She asks, "Do I look fat?": -5 _You hesitate in responding: -10 _You reply, "Where?": -35 Communication: _When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression: 0 _When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30 minutes: +5 _You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV: +10 _She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -20 ======================================================================= Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? ----------------------- Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. ----------------------- Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him. -------------------- Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. ------------------ Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own? --------------- Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out? ----------------- Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy. ----------------- Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. ----------------- Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it. --------------- Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause. ---------------- Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor. ----------------- Dear Abby, My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like? Carol Dear Carol, Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie. ---------------------------- Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Wondering Dear Wondering, The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. --------------------------- Dear Abby, I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions? Annie Dear Annie, Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it. -------------------------- Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office. -------------------------- Dear Abby, What inspires you most to write? Ted Dear Ted, The Bureau of Internal Revenue. ---------------------------- Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Rose Dear Rose, So would I. --------------------------- Dear Abby, What's the difference between a wife and a mistress? Bess Dear Bess, Night and day. ========================================================================= If Airlines Sold Paint Customer: Hi, How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends. Customer: On what? Clerk: Actually, a lot of things. Customer: How about giving me an average price? Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there's no difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of that $9 paint. Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to use it? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow on my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is $200 per gallon. Customer: What? When would I have to paint in order to get $9 paint? Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be kidding! Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any of that paint available before I can sell it to you. Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there. Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same paint, but we sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up to $12. Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking? Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change the price. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons do you want? Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons. Maybe I should buy six gallons just to make sure I have enough. Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the paint and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: What? Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall, and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the other bedroom, you will be in violation of our tariffs. Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the paint, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep painting until Sunday night? Clerk: Yes sir, it will. Customer: Well, that does it! I am going somewhere else to buy paint! Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50. Thanks for flying - I mean painting - with our airline. ===================================================================== Rules for Women 1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. 2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?You shut the door. 4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. 5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there. 6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. 7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone. 8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks. 9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis. 10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway. 11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay. 12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. 18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks. 19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "oh all right, I'll stay the night." =============================================================== A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967." "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral." ================================================================== A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, "Major, when was the last time you had sex?" "1956," was his reply. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Major, you need to get out more!" "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch, .."It's only 2014 now." ====================================================================== HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not GET YOU EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER. She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT ============================================================================ Corporal Jones was assigned to the USMC induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporal Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded,"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" ================================================================